It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…
Tag: Pub
Exclusive
Dreaming I am sitting in a tent. Horses are running around outside; I’m hoping they won’t come in. One does. It looks like a blue Bulldog. I am on holiday in Cornwall with Phil, the kids, Tom and his new girlfriend (he doesn’t have one in waking life). The tide is out; golden sands are crying out to be played on before the sea comes back in, but I can’t find anywhere to park other than outside a rough-looking pub which turns out to be an exclusive members pub for posh people. They instruct me…
Staying
Dreaming Mum has invited Auntie Agnes to stay with her, but she ends up staying at my house instead. It is Friday night, and Agnes is being really nasty to me – shouting and criticising me. I feel hurt, and I don’t understand why. It is Saturday night; the attack on me from Agnes is worse tonight, and I feel scared. Agnes takes my laptop and shouts at me constantly, being really vindictive and horrible. I go upstairs; Dad is asleep in my bed. The bedroom looks like my bedroom but also like Mum and Dad’s old bedroom…
Exposed
It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…
Investment
I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…
How?
Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.
Breathless
Annie has slept through the night twice since she was born; most nights she’s up at least four times between 11am – 6am. I have always been the one to deal with her; Tom never has, nor has he offered to. She’s now started getting up at 6 am every day, so as well as…
Holiday
We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.
Silenced
Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…
Overheard
Yesterday, I took the girls out for the afternoon on their bikes. Amelia can ride confidently, but Rosie is still unsure and needs lots of encouragement. Tom refused to come with us or look after Annie as he was tired and wanted a nap before going to the pub in the evening. Today, we met…
Doctor
I don’t feel well. I’m not physically ill, but I think I might be mentally ill. I sit here constantly questioning if Tom is right and if there is something wrong with me; he’s always telling me that there is, maybe he’s right. Sometimes I think that it’s him, but most of the time, I…
News
Tom returned from yet another weekend away yesterday – his eighth in the past six months, on top of a seven-day skiing holiday, countless nights out, and his usual three evenings a week at the pub. This weekend’s trip was to a family wedding. Annie and I were invited, but not my other children. When…
Stoop
Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…
Cinema
Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…
Mother
Tom came home from his skiing holiday yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport, but when I saw him, my heart sank. I suddenly realised what a lovely stress-free week the children and I had, and how it would all change. He appeared at the airport entrance sun-burned and saying he was…
Back
Last night, Josh went fishing with a couple of friends. This morning, Tom made them sausage sandwiches and a flask of tea to warm them up, as the temperature overnight was about 2 degrees. I took the food to them and used the opportunity to really see how much effort Tom is making lately. Not…
Beg
I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing; I was wrong – he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed; if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.“ Annie…
Waiting
For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…
Weeks
As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…
Supplies
“I’m heading to the solicitors to finalise the house and pick up the keys. Tonight, we’ll go and clean the house, ready to move in tomorrow. Meet me there at 7pm.” I was held up sorting my children out and getting cleaning supplies. “You’re late. Here’s a key. I’m going to leave you to it…