Dreaming I am in a house that is mine, but unrecognisable to me. I raise my right hand above an object (I think it was a purse) and can feel energy in my hand. I lift it, and the object rises too. I realise that the awakening has made this happen, that I now have…
Mummied
Two weeks ago, Amelia met a boy. They’ve been texting each other since, and last weekend they met for lunch and went to the cinema. Today Fin met Amelia after work, and they came back here. Fin is lovely. He’s polite, hard-working and confident. The only problem is that Fin has opened my eyes to…
Unconventional
I went to Karen’s this morning for a quick catch-up. During our chat, she said I am really unconventional and that I probably always have been, and that she thinks I will become more so the older I get. She says she really sees me changing lately, that I no longer seem to care about…
Unafraid
Dreaming I am at home; two insects are flying around. They are silver in colour and look a bit like stick insects or dragonflies. They have a long body/tail and long wings, and they keep flying everywhere. At one point, I think there is a third one. I look around the house; there are insects and flies…
Rediscover
I’m really starting to feel such a great bond with Cheryl. Although she’s fourteen years younger than me, we have so much in common; mostly we share the same sense of humour, and we never run out of things to talk about. She’s exactly the type of person I want in my life; I love…
Bewildered
I went for breakfast with Karen and Cheryl today. We chatted about friends and their values, which prompted me to say that I felt I’d changed so much in the last year or so, whereas before I was really accepting, understanding and forgiving, I now am the opposite. If a friend expresses something that I…
Small
Dreaming I am in the house at Church Lane. I go into the kitchen; the current owners have changed it, and it is now really small and narrow. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me why they would make it so small and difficult to use. The bigger kitchen was much better.
Sunken
Dreaming Amelia has had a baby, and Rosie is babysitting for her. I am unsure of the gender of the baby, but it feels more like a girl. Rosie is sitting in the bath with the baby; I am sitting outside of the bath, half-watching. Rosie gets distracted using her phone for what seems like…
Live
Two days ago, not long after waking, I lay in bed daydreaming about something or other when, suddenly, as clear as day, the words ‘Less than a year to live’ popped into my head. Two days later, I find myself thinking about how we would live our lives differently if we always knew how many…
Belongings
Dreaming I am in my Nan and Grandad’s house, sorting through all of Nan’s belongings to get rid of them. There is an empty skip outside for any rubbish. Grandad is there, and at times I sense my Nan is too. I feel it is really important to be having this clear-out.
Explore
I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…
Friend
On the first day of the year, for one of my answers in a family questionnaire, I wrote that Phil was my best friend. Sitting here now, thinking about our relationship, the one that has evolved in recent months, I realise that’s not true at all. Phil was my best friend when we were in…
Self-contained
More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…
Synchronicities
I’ve had a lot of indecision over the last year or two about my career, partly because of not feeling good enough – which I’m ignoring even if it still tries to remind me. Partly it was also because there are so many things I love doing – that I want to do and that…
World
Dreaming I am doing handstands and literally turning my world upside down.
2014
It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…
Balanced
2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…
Centred
Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….
Repercussions
I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…
Correct
Phil rang me tonight to talk about my birthday present. I asked him not to give me anything, but he insisted. I really don’t want anything from him, but it would seem he’s already gone out and bought something. We’re not even together. He started talking as though we were together and about how he…
Exhilarated
Dreaming I am in a show with four black men; above us is a pole. My role in the show is to hang upside down from the pole. It is an amazing feat, and the audience is impressed. I am in a room. I’m thinking about doing the trick again; this time there is no…
Pros
I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…
Tenfold
Up until Phil messaging me a few days ago, I hadn’t missed him at all; now I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the deep unconditional love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time in Tom’s company than usual because of stuff with…
Weakening
Phil messaged me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he knows it’s my child-free weekend coming up and he’s hoping I’ll weaken. He sent me a picture and words he found which he thought I’d like; we both know it was an excuse. I’ve been…
Give
I’ve been doing it all wrong – this giving-stuff-away thing. I thought that if I gave, I would then receive, and actually there has been truth in that, but tonight I read something that made me feel embarrassed about my way of thinking. Instead of giving to receive, I could be receiving to give. In…
Resistance
I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…
Sorry
This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…
Other
Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. I spent the evening at home feeling grumpy and unable to occupy myself. I flitted around between TV channels and crap on the internet before giving up and going to bed at about 10.30 pm. This morning I woke up full of rage, and I don’t know why….
Free
It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…
Half
If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…
Ripple
I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…
Contribute
I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…
Halloween
It’s Halloween… to mark the occasion, I started the day off facing some of my worst fears.
Urge
When I left Tom, I started finding my truth. My thoughts recently are the culmination of three years of finding myself, finding my truth, and now starting to live it. Events over the last few days have powered these thoughts further. My friend Viv confided in me that there is a man who is in…
Wednesday
I’m not happy. Driving back from the school run, it suddenly struck me that despite fooling myself for a long time that I am happy with my life, I’m not. My life is empty and meaningless. It’s 9.27am on a Wednesday morning; I’ve done the school run, and I’m back in bed. Why? Because I’m…
Move
I’ve noticed that my periods have changed recently, and I’m sure I’m in, or moving towards, peri-menopause. My last period started on the eleventh of September; I spotted for two days, then stopped. Four days later, I bled properly, then spotted for a couple more days. However, I think I ovulated last weekend – pain…
Directions
Susie and I had lunch together, and I had a surreal moment of realisation. Firstly, Susie and I have lost the connection we had. Whereas we used to spend hours together most days, and then still ring each other up later to talk more, today we sat for ninety minutes and soon ran out of…
Sense
Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…
Future
I’m still having some doubts about whether I feel enough for Phil or not. Really, these fears started last week when I spoke to Karen about a forthcoming appointment we have with a psychic who is reputed to be amazing. I’ve since Googled her and found many reports claiming the same. My fear at the…
Bolt-On
I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…
Blip
I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…
Stake
I have a dilemma and don’t know if what I decide will be construed as supportive or interfering – my intention is supportive.
Plodding
I feel like I’m in limbo; maybe I’ve felt that way for the last few years. When I think back over my diary entries, all I see is a mundane life, and that saddens me a little. I have no tales of wild adventures, travelling, or meeting new and interesting people. My life consists of…
Monopolised
Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…
Maybe
I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…
Pieces
I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…
Danger
CONTENT WARNING This dream contains sexual violence, including rape. Dreaming
Countdown
Dreaming I am standing with a man when, in the distance, not too far away, a spaceship/rocket takes off. We see the countdown, and the smoke building at the bottom and then the rocket takes off. We watch it go into the clouds and then out of sight. I can see from my viewpoint that the spaceship took off from the top of Retby Hill. I say to the person with me, ‘I never even…
Pressure
I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…
Escort
As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.
Impulsive
I spent some time chatting to the builder Dave, who did some work on the house when we moved in. We’ve become friendly over the months. Today, he was filling me in on his confusing love life. He’s ended things with his girlfriend as she lived too far away, and he was doing all the…
Hesitantly
Dreaming I am sitting at the kitchen table; Tom leans over me and says, “There’s been a lack of kisses around here lately.” He then leans in and kisses my lips. I’m concerned about the kids seeing, but I hesitantly kiss him back. After a couple of kisses, it becomes slightly more urgent, and Tom asks if I’m still on my period. He wants sex, but I don’t know where we would do it with the kids around. I want to, though.
Mink
Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…
Out
Last night, I went out with my friend Sam, and it did me so much good. Although I’m suffering slightly today, mainly from tiredness, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I love our nights out together, although they haven’t happened for such a long time. Most of all, I’m feeling something that I…