I am scared.

I went on quite a journey before I realised just how scared I am.

It started by looking at some self-portraits by a photographer whose work I admire, seeing how beautiful and sexy she is. Remembering how sexy I used to feel, such a long time ago.

Going to my bedroom and realising what a sexy room it is; the potential is there. Exploring in my mind what it would be like for me to look sexy on the bed, against the wall or on the floor.

I have allowed myself to eat and gorge, ballooning to a rather large 10 stone 2.25 lbs, a size 14 – and I don’t feel sexy at all. Gone is the fresh-faced, size 10, 8 stone 10lb sexy, flirty girl I used to be and in her place is a scared, overweight woman with bags under her eyes, bad skin, bad hair and an all-encompassing sadness.

I’m scared because if I go back to being that flirty girl, who will I share it with? What will I do with it? What if I can’t trust myself? What if Tom finds me sexy again and I can’t resist him?

I am scared to be sexy.