Becoming

Attraction

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom. I don’t even want to think about where I was, emotionally, this time last year. Certainly not where I am now – enjoying the peace of a childfree, sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, feeling relaxed and content. It got me thinking…

Dirty

Craig got back in touch with me again a few nights ago, and the talk turned to sex. We both decided to take the bull by the horns and just do it. Not very romantic, I know, but it was never likely to be. Tonight we spent the night together. Craig booked a hotel rather…

Early

Two days ago I took Tom out for lunch. For the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I spoke openly and honestly to him. I could see what he was thinking: that within a few days I would take it all back and not mean any of it. We talked a lot…

Truth

I need to record the truth about my experiences of – and with – men. Not what my mum’s words have taught me to believe, but what I actually experienced, and felt. I need to deal with my Dad first. He was the man that she hated the most. Never in my life have I…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Sacrifice

I meditated tonight for the first time in many years. I allowed myself to sink deeply into the meditation. At first, I saw flashes of purple and an eye. More purple followed before I felt the warm orange glow around me and my spirit guides around me. My guide, in this instance, was an old…

Stumble

While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance, and then I tripped again, landing flat on my face, nose first into the carpet. I lay face down on the stairs, toys bouncing back down to the bottom, and I laughed. I laughed until the pain in my…

Involved

It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with the children. He’s still here. At least when he’s here, I know he’s safe. I never spoke to him about us getting back together, but I have made sure he’s been much more involved…

Simple

The simple things bring me the greatest pleasures these days. Waking to snow, donning our warmest clothes – hats, scarves, wellies and jumpers – and heading out into six inches of crisp, crunchy white snow. Having a snowball fight with the children, losing. Building a snowman, walking to the shops for goodies. Dragging the Christmas…

Happy

My sister took some photographs of me. When I looked back at them, I was really pleased with what I saw. A smile, sparkly eyes and a general aura of happiness. I’m starting to feel happier than I have in a very long time, and it’s really starting to show. It’s a vast improvement on…

Almost

I met up with Craig for lunch again today, except lunch was at my house and there was no food prepared, or likely to be. After a couple of minutes of slight awkwardness, Craig came towards me and kissed me. Years of frustration, on my part, took hold, and I almost attacked the poor man….

Sexual

Craig’s refusal to jump into bed with me knocked me, but I’m glad he did. It made me realise just how insecure I am still – about my body, about myself as a person, but mostly about myself as a sexual woman. It’s been so long since I’ve been sexual or even seen myself as…

Proposal

I broached the subject of sex with Craig. The combination of his flirting and taking those photos a few days ago has really got me thinking. I’ve been deprived of a sexual, intimate relationship for so long, and it’s always been something really important to me, so now that I’m single, why deprive myself any…

Lean

I went on a second date with Craig today. It was a little different to our first; Craig ramped up the flirting. As we waited for our food, he leaned in as close as he could, held one side of my face with his hand, bringing my ear closer to his mouth, and whispered, “I…

Naked

Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time, and I really feel that for the first time in such a long time, it’s safe for me to really be myself. We talk about almost everything, and I never feel that I have to hold back with him. The only thing…

Needed

I went on a date with Craig today. It’s the first date I’ve been on since leaving Tom, and my first date in over seven years. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. We arranged to meet at a local pub at lunchtime. I was there first and waited nervously for him. He…

Lesson

I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up, and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t actually want a relationship, but I will not let what happened between us define my future. I will not allow Tom’s actions to shape my thoughts…

Right

It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the right decision, and we’re all much happier. Tom has surprised me and gone back to who he used to be. He’s proving to be a good dad to Annie and to my other children, and…

Safe

Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with getting a kitten, but tonight I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I spent the day with Tom. He came over mid-morning, fixed the trampoline for the children to use, stayed to play with Annie, joined us for lunch and came with me to…

Scared

I am scared. I went on quite a journey before I realised just how scared I am. It started by looking at some self-portraits by a photographer whose work I admire, seeing how beautiful and sexy she is. Remembering how sexy I used to feel, such a long time ago. Going to my bedroom and realising what…

Rebuilding

I built a bookcase today. I was tempted to ring Tom and ask him to do it, but then I thought, why don’t I just give it a go? I used to make furniture years ago before he came along and started telling me I couldn’t, so I did, and it turned out perfectly. It…

Everything

At lunchtime, Tom came to see Annie and asked if I had ham and chips. He said he’d have that for lunch. I told him he could at least ask. He got in a bad mood, went to the chip shop instead, then sat with his head in his hands, either crying or tired. I…

Powerless

Tom came to my home today. He ate lunch at my house, sat on my sofa, and watched my TV. He wanted to know how much money Josh was paying me. He wasn’t happy with the amount. He told me to tell Josh he has to pay more. I told him it was none of…

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…

Confident

I received a response to a survey I sent out for my photography business: ‘Oh, by the way, heels make me feel confident.’ It switched on a light. Heels make me feel great. Nice clothes make me feel great. Being slim makes me feel fantastic. When I feel great about myself, I will be confident….

Overnight

I had a few friends over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time that I’ve had friends at my home in four years because I never felt as though I could with Tom. He always made it really clear that the house was his, and permission had to be sought…

When?

When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough years. I can’t even recall the last time I laughed. I’m glad that I’ve moved away from Tom, and I’m beginning to love my new home, but I can’t help but question how long it’s…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Cruel

His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…

After

I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic from the new mattress beneath me, the odour still manages to permeate my senses. The cushioning lacks the warmth of contours that can only come from two bodies entwined; it barely softens the harshness of…

Contract

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to our new home; a house that just me and the children will live in. I’m leaving behind a man I love to the depths of me; a man that I thought would be in my life forever. I’m devastated, but I know it’s the…

Same

We’re moving out in sixteen days. I’ve packed four boxes so far. I have a pile of letters that need responding to. I need to sort out utilities for the new house, yet I don’t feel like doing any of it. I think the stress of the last few years, coupled with the stress of…

Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…

Slow

I don’t feel good today. Telling the children has made it all the more real. It seems to be all part of the slow process of leaving. I’m having concerns about how Tom will cope once we’re gone. He’ll be rattling around in a big house on his own; he currently has no work, no…

Worth

I am viewing a house this week that may be ideal for us. I have a few reservations about the area – it’s slightly further away than I wanted to go, which makes it more difficult for the children to easily see their friends – but I know we can work around that. The house…

Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, given that he’s shown me almost nothing but hatred for so long. Yesterday, he invited my sister and her family around for a barbecue. He got the paddling pool out…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Choice

Dreaming I am looking through a pile of catalogues, feeling excited by the choices and the chance to buy what I want now that I can. One of the catalogues is unusual in that it is a book of crossdressers with big hands. Tom is with me as I am looking through them. Responding I’m guessing this is about my identity. About how my new life, when I leave Tom, will give me a chance to…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Value

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Strength

My sisters are all very different, yet all have a similar streak. Control. They all control the people in their lives or their environment. Do I control? My children? No. I’m very easy-going with them. Men. No. They have controlled me. Housework. No. It always feels out of my control. I do control myself, and…

Inappropriate

I feel very tired today; I slept very badly last night. I had a conversation with Tom; I forgot what it was about now, but it was heated. I remembered the mindfulness that my psychotherapist spoke about; I reacted differently. My mum came around unexpectedly. I had feelings that I can’t put into words. Mum…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

Colours

I created a website today and have decided to try and start my own photography business. The design and colours of the website are a true reflection of me, of what I crave at this time in my life and who I am deep down. All I have to do now is get over my…

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

2019

In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.

Like

I would like a lie-in, a day of quiet, to relax and watch crappy TV all day or read a book, and then I’d like to party late into the night with good friends, some alcohol and lots of dancing.

Searching

As I suspected, it didn’t last. I really tried to think positively today. To remind myself that I’ve been a single parent before and that I can do it again. That I will find a way to leave this soul-destroying relationship. I still don’t know how, but I know I have to keep searching until…

Revert

Tom has really thrown me yet again. He rarely joins in with anything the children and I do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time he did something with us, but today when I told him the children had been invited to a Halloween party at Susie’s, he said he wanted to come. Not…

Charm

Tom and I disagreed a few days ago; it was over in minutes, and as far as I was concerned, that was that, but that night he got up from the sofa and went up to bed without saying a word to me, something that hasn’t happened for months. I was really upset about that,…

Me

The older children were all at their dad’s today, so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I felt as though I could do with some time to myself, so I asked him if he could take Annie out for a couple of hours. I thought he would jump at the chance as…

Shadow

An old school friend emailed me tonight for a catch-up. During the messages that went back and forth, she reminded me of the time I sneaked into the store cupboard with my cookery teacher’s driving shoes, smashed eggs into them and then put them into the freezer. I then sat at the front of class…

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Cold

I’m so angry with myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night, and last night even more so. I felt as if I had about two hours of sleep all night, so today I’ve been exhausted. At half past eight tonight, I told Tom I was going up to bed. I got my…

Reasons

I’ve been making more of an effort to make friends with people recently. I’ve become really reclusive over the last year or so, staying home most of the time or just spending time with the children or Tom. I thought it would be good for me to interact with others a little more. I’ve made…

Real

I photographed myself again today. With no makeup. I never let people see me without my makeup on, but I took the photograph, and then I posted it on Facebook. I don’t really understand it, but I feel as though I want to strip away all the falseness and lies, and let people – and…

Overwhelming

Something’s going on. I feel different. I’m starting to see things differently and starting to see the truth of what’s really going on, but taking photographs is changing things too. After my self-portrait yesterday, I really felt like doing another one today. It’s very unlike me because I hate having my photograph taken, and I…

Blue

I’ve been interested in photography since I was ten years old. Over the last year, rather than just snapping away with the camera, I’ve been trying to do more with it. When things with Tom are really bad, it’s something to escape to. I can grab the children, go to the park with my camera…

Want

I have never . . . but I want to:

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…