Winnie Angelo

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Wild

As I lay in bed last night, I started to question why I chose May 1st to start my yes challenge. I wondered why I don’t just start today; why does it have to be a significant date? What’s wrong with now? One of the first things I saw on Facebook today was this: ‘There…

Yes

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday when I took the kids out for lunch; how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next eleven years until Annie is eighteen,…

Hurricane

I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends: grief, loneliness and emptiness. I have so many thoughts swirling around in the depths of my mind, making their way out to become my reality. The children and I went out for lunch today. To…

Epiphany

I booked tickets to take the children to the Harry Potter Studio Tour for Rosie’s upcoming birthday. Annie and I haven’t even seen the films, so tonight we started with the first one. Of course, I can’t just watch and enjoy; I had to start thinking, philosophising and questioning. I think my philosophical nature is…

Struck

At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as…

Trust

Phil went home early this morning, and for me, it just couldn’t have come soon enough. He was sulky and needy from the minute I woke until he left. I thought for a second that I was closing down on him again, and then I thought about all the other times I’ve closed down on…

Diary

Phil came over this afternoon. I had horrendous period pain and a headache, which I told him about before he arrived. I told him I’d be monging on the sofa in my pyjamas and asked if he was okay with that. He said he’d bring his PJs and mong too. Josh answered the door and…

Barbaric

While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex-girlfriend. He said he doesn’t know what he was ever doing with her – looks-wise. I said that I was surprised he was saying that, given how he’d been so quick to criticise my relationship with Phil based on Tom’s perception…

Comfort

Dreaming I am in Jellicombe when I see Karen; she looks a mess. She is fatter; her hair is wet, but a mess, and she is tired and crying. I ask what’s wrong, and she says she’s been up with Charlie all night and that he’s really wheezy. She has Charlie in a pram; I…

Spacious

Dreaming Amelia, Rosie, Megan and I are in the kitchen at Church Lane when the door knocks. Amelia goes to answer it but comes back saying she’s not answering it as she doesn’t know who it is. I get up to answer it, and I run, as the people will have been waiting by now….

I can feel myself reverting to the thought processes I had as a child. The way I was 100% certain that I was adopted because I was treated so differently from my sisters, but this time it’s not for that reason. It’s because I cannot get my head around how I can be related to…

Password

Dreaming I am outside somewhere with a laptop. Greg has given me permission to go into his account. I type in his password, ‘555GRO’.

Permission

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Shave

Dreaming I am with Poppy, shaving her legs and arms. I’m not sure Sally will want her arms shaved, but I do it anyway. I also shave the sides of her head, but I realise that I shouldn’t; however, if I pull her hair down, it covers up the bits I’ve shaved. I am with…

Butterflies

Tomorrow, we’re going to the Puu Isles for five days. Tom wanted Annie to visit family, but she wouldn’t go without me, so we’re all going. Despite not really wanting to go until now, I now can’t wait. I just want to get away from here, and to get away from my own mind. I’m…

Caring

Dreaming I am in a house that belongs to a couple who have two children. They have a side-by-side double pushchair. I ask the woman how she got it through the door; she explains that she left one child out – the older girl – until they were outside, and then she put her in….

Work

Dreaming Viv is angry about having to go out to work; her husband, Tony, is telling her she has to. She doesn’t see why she should have to. I suggest to her just doing one hour a day at Jellicombe and to save her wages. To leave it in the bank and use it to…

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Reveal

I realised today how calm, centred, and balanced I’ve been since spending time with Phil on Sunday. I remembered that this is how I used to feel with him, at least when I wasn’t stressed. I feel at peace, I’m more open, and I’m feeling positive. I even feel as though I could find my…

Wings

Amelia talked to me about how hard it is to see Fin, as they don’t get much time together because someone’s always around. After listening to her, I decided to take on board something Phil had said to me yesterday. He’d said that I have to allow the kids to step away from me a…

Tormented

I went to Phil’s last night to talk things over. I had a long list of questions in my head that I needed answered, some that I knew would actually hurt me, but I felt I needed to know rather than not know and be tormented by them. I’ve become such a strong believer in…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Judgement

I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and centred ~ a state the relationship anxiety course leader calls ‘when your heart is open instead of closed down through fear.’ I was energised and ready to tackle the housework that’s been building all week – a…

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning; he said he wanted to see how I was, as I’d been on his mind the last few days. He wondered if everything was okay. The cynical part of me thinks he saw something that I posted on Facebook last night, and he’s turning it around so it seems that…

Overhead

Dreaming I am looking up at the sky. A black thing flies overhead; I realise it is a bat. I am standing by a gate holding a baby boy. I see Olivia, Jade and Shannon on the other side of the gate. I call Jade over to see the baby. She comes over, and we…

Single

I started the relationship anxiety course today. Only four minutes into the video, something struck me that hadn’t before. To be with Phil, I needed to let go of being single, and I never did that. In fact, I clung desperately to my single life, convincing myself that it was what I wanted, that it…

Lock

Dreaming I am in Alan and Sam’s house outside in an alley; it is daytime. Sam has come outside to look at something. We go back inside, as I am going to be at their house when Sam goes out. I am sitting on a chair using my laptop. It is nighttime; it is dark….

Reminiscing

I couldn’t settle last night. I was restless because Phil had texted me in the afternoon and was being sexually suggestive. The messages stopped abruptly at 6 pm, mid-conversation, which means he chose to spend the night with Antonia. Strangely, I don’t feel jealous at all; I just feel very uneasy with it all. All…

Rescue

It suddenly struck me today why Phil is back in my life; why Tom is still in my life; why I’m having issues with friends; and why I was with Greg and Danny. I unravelled my past into a heap of jumble to be sifted through and put into some order, if possible. Danny, Greg,…

Flaws

Never has it been clearer to me that I need to do some major work on myself. I’m taking a long, hard look at myself this week and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time, and I lack intimate relationships because…

Distance

I woke feeling utterly drained. Phil had sent me a message just before I went to sleep, asking what I wanted. I want to be whole. I want to heal myself; I don’t want him to fix me anymore. I need to do this for myself. I want him to live the life he wants,…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Risk

I lay awake most of the night feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. Every time I dozed, the nausea woke me. Reminding me of everything. I don’t know if I felt sick at the thought of Phil with Antonia, or the thought of having had contact with Phil again. This morning I checked…

Headfuck

Amelia saw Phil holding hands with a woman. I’ve barely thought about Phil since we split up, apart from when I slept with Tom and I realised that he isn’t a patch on Phil in any way. Why then, now that he’s definitely moved on, do I start to care? At first I felt pleased…

Awakening

Dreaming I am in a house that is mine, but unrecognisable to me. I raise my right hand above an object (I think it was a purse) and can feel energy in my hand. I lift it, and the object rises too. I realise that the awakening has made this happen, that I now have…

End

Dreaming I am standing alone in the middle of nowhere, but I am aware of people somewhere around me. All around me is dusty earth and nothing else in sight. I know that it is the end of the world. I think about packing my belongings, but I realise I don’t need to, as I…

Mummied

Two weeks ago, Amelia met a boy. They’ve been texting each other since, and last weekend they met for lunch and went to the cinema. Today Fin met Amelia after work, and they came back here. Fin is lovely. He’s polite, hard-working and confident. The only problem is that Fin has opened my eyes to…

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Unconventional

I went to Karen’s this morning for a quick catch-up. During our chat, she said I am really unconventional and that I probably always have been, and that she thinks I will become more so the older I get. She says she really sees me changing lately, that I no longer seem to care about…

Unafraid

Dreaming I am at home; two insects are flying around. They are silver in colour and look a bit like stick insects or dragonflies. They have a long body/tail and long wings, and they keep flying everywhere. At one point, I think there is a third one. I look around the house; there are insects and flies…

Rediscover

I’m really starting to feel such a great bond with Cheryl. Although she’s fourteen years younger than me, we have so much in common; mostly we share the same sense of humour, and we never run out of things to talk about. She’s exactly the type of person I want in my life; I love…

Petals

Dreaming Tom is leaving to go and live in Cornwall. We have to drive down with him in his car; it will take five hours. Just as we’re about to leave, I see my cousin Erin. I’m supposed to be going around her house tonight but realise I won’t be back in time. She is…

Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk; we asked Tom if he wanted to join us. I really wanted him to say yes and was so happy when he did. I picked him up, and we made our way to the woods, but Tom felt cold and a little distant. He criticised…

Surrender

I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…

Bewildered

I went for breakfast with Karen and Cheryl today. We chatted about friends and their values, which prompted me to say that I felt I’d changed so much in the last year or so, whereas before I was really accepting, understanding and forgiving, I now am the opposite. If a friend expresses something that I…

Small

Dreaming I am in the house at Church Lane. I go into the kitchen; the current owners have changed it, and it is now really small and narrow. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me why they would make it so small and difficult to use. The bigger kitchen was much better.

Sunken

Dreaming Amelia has had a baby, and Rosie is babysitting for her. I am unsure of the gender of the baby, but it feels more like a girl. Rosie is sitting in the bath with the baby; I am sitting outside of the bath, half-watching. Rosie gets distracted using her phone for what seems like…

Live

Two days ago, not long after waking, I lay in bed daydreaming about something or other when, suddenly, as clear as day, the words ‘Less than a year to live’ popped into my head. Two days later, I find myself thinking about how we would live our lives differently if we always knew how many…

Wallet

Dreaming I am in Springtown in a house that feels quite grand. I am standing in a large room; it feels like an entryway as well as a room. There is someone with me, and to my left, in another room, is Theo. He and I are going on a date. I am at a…

Belongings

Dreaming I am in my Nan and Grandad’s house, sorting through all of Nan’s belongings to get rid of them. There is an empty skip outside for any rubbish. Grandad is there, and at times I sense my Nan is too. I feel it is really important to be having this clear-out.

Explore

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…

Learning

Last year I spent a short while saying yes to everything. This year I’m learning how important it is for me to say no. I often say yes to things I don’t want to do or that I know will have a negative effect on me in some way. If I’m going to really live…

Trapped

Dreaming I am standing in a room; Phil is there; he is still overweight, maybe even more so. Phil is sitting down; I am standing. I become aware of my breasts and feel a lump in the nipple area of each breast. The lumps are small boils. I start to squeeze the left one, and…

Paralysed

Tunnel

Dreaming I am in a Big Brother-style house; away from the main house is a separate part that two people have been put into. I am standing outside the part. It is time for the two people in there to come out. The way out is through a very narrow tunnel in the wall, which…

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Friend

On the first day of the year, for one of my answers in a family questionnaire, I wrote that Phil was my best friend. Sitting here now, thinking about our relationship, the one that has evolved in recent months, I realise that’s not true at all. Phil was my best friend when we were in…

Blurted

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. When Annie left the room, Tom blurted out that he’d been on a date last weekend. He went on to tell me about the date; I started to feel sick to my stomach. I always knew this day would come, and even though I…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

Burst

Dreaming I am a spectator in the audience at an arena. Bob Castle is on stage in a white, soft, fluffy dressing gown with his clothes on underneath. Tom is next to me. Some of the audience – those closest to Bob – are also wearing white dressing gowns. There is a woman in front,…

Synchronicities

I’ve had a lot of indecision over the last year or two about my career, partly because of not feeling good enough – which I’m ignoring even if it still tries to remind me. Partly it was also because there are so many things I love doing – that I want to do and that…

World

Dreaming I am doing handstands and literally turning my world upside down.

2014

It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Centred

Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….

Repercussions

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…

Correct

Phil rang me tonight to talk about my birthday present. I asked him not to give me anything, but he insisted. I really don’t want anything from him, but it would seem he’s already gone out and bought something. We’re not even together. He started talking as though we were together and about how he…

Decade

It’s my fortieth birthday soon, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this year. I started the year not really looking forward to it and berating myself for not being the weight I promised myself I would be by the time I turned forty. I had some fears come up about life passing me…

Exhilarated

Dreaming I am in a show with four black men; above us is a pole. My role in the show is to hang upside down from the pole. It is an amazing feat, and the audience is impressed. I am in a room. I’m thinking about doing the trick again; this time there is no…

Healing

When Tom came over to see the kids tonight, we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking about nothing much, but it somehow led to a discussion about saying sorry for things you’ve done and how it’s a sign of emotional maturity. I went on to say that sometimes we need to…

Pros

I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…

Tenfold

Up until Phil messaging me a few days ago, I hadn’t missed him at all; now I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the deep unconditional love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time in Tom’s company than usual because of stuff with…

Ring

Dreaming A man, possibly Phil, puts a silver ring on my ring finger. The ring is small and fits perfectly. I wonder how he knows my size, as the ring is a complete surprise. I look at the ring; engraved on it are the words “Marry me”. I feel warmth and love. I am pregnant….

Weakening

Phil messaged me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he knows it’s my child-free weekend coming up and he’s hoping I’ll weaken. He sent me a picture and words he found which he thought I’d like; we both know it was an excuse. I’ve been…

Give

I’ve been doing it all wrong – this giving-stuff-away thing. I thought that if I gave, I would then receive, and actually there has been truth in that, but tonight I read something that made me feel embarrassed about my way of thinking. Instead of giving to receive, I could be receiving to give. In…

Receive

It turns out that letting go – when you make up your mind to do it and then just get on with it – is easier than first anticipated. Today I got rid of a load of stuff. I had people knocking at the door throughout the day to pick stuff up, and it actually…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Okay

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night as I kept waking every twenty minutes to sneeze or because of a headache or sore throat. I looked and felt like crap all day yesterday. Tom knew I was ill yet didn’t offer to…

Effort

Dreaming I am getting ready for an event – maybe a party or a dinner – in London. I put on a satin green dress. My body is slim, and I look really good. I’m wondering what I could wear with it to keep me warm; I don’t think I have anything suitable, but I…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Hug

On Friday night, I dropped and broke my phone. When I dropped Annie at Tom’s last night, he handed me a present, saying it was an early birthday present. He’d got me a new phone. After handing it to me, he went to walk off into the other room, but I called him back to…

Shallow

Other

Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. I spent the evening at home feeling grumpy and unable to occupy myself. I flitted around between TV channels and crap on the internet before giving up and going to bed at about 10.30 pm. This morning I woke up full of rage, and I don’t know why….

Free

It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…

Avenue

I have had such a productive week, and it feels really good. I have finally got my head around one of the avenues I’m exploring for earning money – writing – and this week I have made myself work from 10 am until 3 pm each day. I am so pleased with the progress I’ve…

Half

If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…

Ripple

I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…