I met my friend Patsy today. She was talking about her exes, and then she asked about Tom and why we split up. I told her briefly about how difficult things got. She said he seemed like a really nice, kind man. I said he was, that he had a heart of gold, but that he didn’t seem to be any good at having a golden heart when with me.

I took no responsibility at all.

Patsy asked if I still loved him. I told her he is the love of my life. I said he is my soulmate and that I loved him since the moment I met him, and that I will love him until the day I die. I told her I would always have to love him now from a distance because we just never seemed to get it right – all we ever did was argue and get it so wrong. I admitted I would go back to him in an instant if I thought things would be different, not factoring in at all if he’d even want me back.

Tonight I lay in bed thinking about him. I sent him a message about a voluntary position I’d seen that I thought he’d love, but he didn’t read it for hours. It made me question if it was because he was with someone else. Out on a date? In love with someone else? I felt devastated just thinking about it. I would die inside if he ever dated anyone else, just the way he felt when I told him about Phil last year.

I must end things with Phil. I can’t go on living this lie. I will never feel for Phil a fraction of what I feel for Tom. I will never feel for anyone what I feel for him. I would rather live the rest of my life alone, single, loving him from a distance than to live a lie with someone else. I wish I could tell him how I felt, but I can’t.