Love

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Yes

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday when I took the kids out for lunch; how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next eleven years until Annie is eighteen,…

Hurricane

I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends: grief, loneliness and emptiness. I have so many thoughts swirling around in the depths of my mind, making their way out to become my reality. The children and I went out for lunch today. To…

Struck

At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as…

Trust

Phil went home early this morning, and for me, it just couldn’t have come soon enough. He was sulky and needy from the minute I woke until he left. I thought for a second that I was closing down on him again, and then I thought about all the other times I’ve closed down on…

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Caring

Dreaming I am in a house that belongs to a couple who have two children. They have a side-by-side double pushchair. I ask the woman how she got it through the door; she explains that she left one child out – the older girl – until they were outside, and then she put her in….

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Reveal

I realised today how calm, centred, and balanced I’ve been since spending time with Phil on Sunday. I remembered that this is how I used to feel with him, at least when I wasn’t stressed. I feel at peace, I’m more open, and I’m feeling positive. I even feel as though I could find my…

Tormented

I went to Phil’s last night to talk things over. I had a long list of questions in my head that I needed answered, some that I knew would actually hurt me, but I felt I needed to know rather than not know and be tormented by them. I’ve become such a strong believer in…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Judgement

I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and centred ~ a state the relationship anxiety course leader calls ‘when your heart is open instead of closed down through fear.’ I was energised and ready to tackle the housework that’s been building all week – a…

Flaws

Never has it been clearer to me that I need to do some major work on myself. I’m taking a long, hard look at myself this week and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time, and I lack intimate relationships because…

Distance

I woke feeling utterly drained. Phil had sent me a message just before I went to sleep, asking what I wanted. I want to be whole. I want to heal myself; I don’t want him to fix me anymore. I need to do this for myself. I want him to live the life he wants,…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Risk

I lay awake most of the night feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. Every time I dozed, the nausea woke me. Reminding me of everything. I don’t know if I felt sick at the thought of Phil with Antonia, or the thought of having had contact with Phil again. This morning I checked…

Headfuck

Amelia saw Phil holding hands with a woman. I’ve barely thought about Phil since we split up, apart from when I slept with Tom and I realised that he isn’t a patch on Phil in any way. Why then, now that he’s definitely moved on, do I start to care? At first I felt pleased…

Mummied

Two weeks ago, Amelia met a boy. They’ve been texting each other since, and last weekend they met for lunch and went to the cinema. Today Fin met Amelia after work, and they came back here. Fin is lovely. He’s polite, hard-working and confident. The only problem is that Fin has opened my eyes to…

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk; we asked Tom if he wanted to join us. I really wanted him to say yes and was so happy when he did. I picked him up, and we made our way to the woods, but Tom felt cold and a little distant. He criticised…

Surrender

I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…

Live

Two days ago, not long after waking, I lay in bed daydreaming about something or other when, suddenly, as clear as day, the words ‘Less than a year to live’ popped into my head. Two days later, I find myself thinking about how we would live our lives differently if we always knew how many…

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Blurted

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. When Annie left the room, Tom blurted out that he’d been on a date last weekend. He went on to tell me about the date; I started to feel sick to my stomach. I always knew this day would come, and even though I…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

Burst

Dreaming I am a spectator in the audience at an arena. Bob Castle is on stage in a white, soft, fluffy dressing gown with his clothes on underneath. Tom is next to me. Some of the audience – those closest to Bob – are also wearing white dressing gowns. There is a woman in front,…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Centred

Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….

Healing

When Tom came over to see the kids tonight, we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking about nothing much, but it somehow led to a discussion about saying sorry for things you’ve done and how it’s a sign of emotional maturity. I went on to say that sometimes we need to…

Pros

I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…

Tenfold

Up until Phil messaging me a few days ago, I hadn’t missed him at all; now I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the deep unconditional love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time in Tom’s company than usual because of stuff with…

Ring

Dreaming A man, possibly Phil, puts a silver ring on my ring finger. The ring is small and fits perfectly. I wonder how he knows my size, as the ring is a complete surprise. I look at the ring; engraved on it are the words “Marry me”. I feel warmth and love. I am pregnant….

Okay

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night as I kept waking every twenty minutes to sneeze or because of a headache or sore throat. I looked and felt like crap all day yesterday. Tom knew I was ill yet didn’t offer to…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Hug

On Friday night, I dropped and broke my phone. When I dropped Annie at Tom’s last night, he handed me a present, saying it was an early birthday present. He’d got me a new phone. After handing it to me, he went to walk off into the other room, but I called him back to…

Half

If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…

Contribute

I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…

Duty

Yesterday, my mum turned up with a bag in her hand and asked if she could stay the night. She’d had an argument with my step-dad, and she didn’t want to be around him. I let her in, and she spent the entire afternoon and evening offloading it all onto me. Once she left today,…

Perfect

I’ve had a really productive and positive day. I was asleep by 10 pm last night, and I think it’s made a big difference to my energy levels and my mood. I feel relaxed and calm. Not only is it the extra sleep, but it’s the weather. I’m always more productive in autumn and winter….

Bolt-On

I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…

Blip

I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…

Monopolised

Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…

Be

I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together, it feels so good. Being with Phil is the only time I feel grounded; the rest of the time, I feel slightly out of control and very empty. Despite that, I still can’t say that I won’t end things with him…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

One

Day two of the holidays saw us having a very lazy morning, followed by some housework, after which we piled into the car and went to the park. We let Jasper off the lead, and he and the girls all ran around playing for half an hour. They danced, jumped off walls, laughed, joked and…

Mink

Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…

Abnormal

I went to the hospital for a colposcopy this morning after my smear test revealed some mildly abnormal cells. Afterwards, I dressed and went into the doctor’s office. The doctor said that from what she could see, my cervix didn’t look cancerous and that the biopsy would confirm this when I get the results in…

Unthinkable

It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…

Fraction

I met my friend Patsy today. She was talking about her exes, and then she asked about Tom and why we split up. I told her briefly about how difficult things got. She said he seemed like a really nice, kind man. I said he was, that he had a heart of gold, but that…

Foundation

I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…

Grandad

Dreaming I am in a fancy dress shop. I’m trying to remember what it is I need to buy a costume for. The person I am with tells me I need a grass skirt for Patsy’s party, but I say I need something else as well. I can’t remember what. I am in a school playground with Annie and her friends; Annie looks really ill. She has really heavy, red eyes and a rash on her face. I feel her head; she is roasting hot. I talk to Mrs Jeffery and tell her I think Annie is ill. She goes…

Younger

Dreaming I am with a younger, good-looking man. He is in love with me, and I, him. We are going to move in together even though we’ve only known each other for four days.

Tradition

Dreaming

Compartment

Dreaming

Envelope

Embraced

Phil came round last night. We watched a DVD together. I lay on his chest; he stroked my hair, kissed my head – he embraced me. It is all I have ever wanted, and now he’s not here I miss him. I want him here, wrapped in his arms all the time. I want to…

Song

Phil came around last night; he wanted to talk. I realised that it’s time to let go of the bullshit of loving with my heart and to start loving with my head. I told Phil that I’m worried because our relationship, at least for me, lacked that spark. It’s not that I didn’t love him;…

Greener

I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to feel everything that he is and all that he offers me. I’ll admit I was having a really bad week, but these last few days are better. I’m not having a bad time at all, but…

Parts

I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though…

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Movement

The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.

Guilt

I’ve ended things with Phil. I didn’t do it in an ideal way; I texted him. I knew if I did it face to face, I would weaken and change my mind, not because I love him, but because the guilt factor would have kicked in massively. That is, after all, the reason I stayed…

Refuge

We decided to take my Dad up on his offer to rent the house. It ended up being really short notice; I had just eight days to pack everything. In that time, Annie caught a virus that wiped her out for five of those days and involved two trips to see the doctor. She had…

Enough

I’ve forgotten how strong I am. I’ve spent far too long thinking I’m weak, that I can’t do things, and I realised that’s just not me; it’s not who I am. I am, and always have been, a very strong character, and it’s time I not only remembered it, but celebrated it too. It’s my…

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…

Needs

I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.

Fleeting

Kind

I took a moment today to completely focus on Phil’s many positive attributes with no thoughts of the things that are marring our relationship, at least for me. I’m nowhere near the stage of moving in together or marriage, but I do want to continue a relationship with him, and I do want to focus…

Foolhardy

I recently mentioned to Phil that I might start looking around for a new house to move to. The children and I have been in our home for a couple of years, but it was only ever supposed to be a stopgap. Yesterday, Phil asked me for the postcode for the area I want to…

Away

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…

Crutch

Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then went back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, lay in his arms, and he held me tight as I poured out my heart to him about the last few days and everything that’s gone on lately. He soothed my soul and gently…

Spark

Source

Dreaming I am at the house of a woman; I may be moving to her house. She appears to be well dressed, well spoken, not posh but has an air about her. Her house has the feeling of a lot of white and gold, although I don’t actually ‘see’ the colours. While talking to her, I realise that I am parked in the car park and haven’t bought a ticket. I go outside, and a man tells me not to bother as it’s almost the time when…

Self

I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for nineteen months. Since I was fourteen, I’ve only been single for two years and two months in total. That’s twenty-two years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over two years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream…

Falling

Phil was texting me tonight when, out of the blue, he said, “I’m falling in love with you.” It completely freaked me out. We’ve only been talking for a couple of days, and we haven’t even met yet. How can he be falling for someone he doesn’t know? It’s starting to make me feel as…

Wasn’t

I was talking to my friend Rachel about her abusive ex and the new man in her life. I said, “It must be very difficult to love again when love has, so far in your life, taught you that it’s nasty and hurtful?” And then I realised… I didn’t feel loved as a child or…

Time

It’s New Year’s Eve. Tom was supposed to be staying the night to see the New Year in with me and the children, but instead he’s at his house, and I’m at mine, and it’s because I chose it. I decided that, and I made it happen. I remember someone saying to me once, “Who…

Gift

What better day than Christmas Day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates so much that you can’t ignore it. A day of loving, of giving. Today, to myself. Just like last year, Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve as well as tonight, to spend Christmas with…

Liar

At my counselling session, Jane gave me a set of Russian Dolls, asked me to take them home and work with them. She wanted me to look at each layer and really feel what each layer represents in Tom. I did this exercise tonight. It was very painful, and I really didn’t want to do…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Sensation

Dreaming I am on holiday alone but am in someone’s suite in the guest house I’m staying at. There are two people here who are going to kill a man. They intend to kill him by electrocuting him in the bath, but first they want to knock him out to get him in the bath. They do something to him, which means he’s dead by the time they get him in the bath, and so they won’t have to electrocute him, but they do it…

Presence

Dreaming I am a pupil at school. Even though I am an adult, I am hoping that I won’t feel overwhelmed like I did when I was at school as a child. I am outside; it is break time. There is a male teacher with grey hair whom I feel a great attraction to. It’s not sexual; it is a deep spiritual love, although my need to physically be with him is vast. I am at his side constantly, there to help him if he wants it….

Lapping

Dreaming I am on my way to Springtown. I’m in the water, which is a beautiful shade of blue. It is a warm summer’s day; there is a good feeling everywhere, and people are laughing and having fun. I have a young child, maybe Annie, relying on me to help her. I take her in my arms and start swimming easily. I am a good, strong swimmer and can very easily cope with holding a child. Ahead of us are lots of inflatable slides and people using them;…

Quietly

If this ‘thing’ with Craig goes no further than it is right now, if we only ever stay friends, or if we drift apart and never speak again, I will always be so grateful that I met someone that I feel as if I slotted so into place with. I can’t even begin to describe…

Lounge

Dreaming I am at what looks like an airport lounge, but for a ferry, to go to the Puu Isles. I’m not going to Vama or Cahat but somewhere in between. I am in the queue with my passport. There are two young girls in front, but they slow down and then stop, so I pass them and take my turn. I have to fill out a couple of forms and show my passport. Josh then comes up and does his,…

Attraction

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom. I don’t even want to think about where I was, emotionally, this time last year. Certainly not where I am now – enjoying the peace of a childfree, sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, feeling relaxed and content. It got me thinking…

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…