I’m really starting to feel such a great bond with Cheryl. Although she’s fourteen years younger than me, we have so much in common; mostly we share the same sense of humour, and we never run out of things to talk about. She’s exactly the type of person I want in my life; I love…
Category: Relationships
Friend
On the first day of the year, for one of my answers in a family questionnaire, I wrote that Phil was my best friend. Sitting here now, thinking about our relationship, the one that has evolved in recent months, I realise that’s not true at all. Phil was my best friend when we were in…
Self-contained
More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…
2014
It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…
Balanced
2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…
Centred
Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….
Repercussions
I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…
Correct
Phil rang me tonight to talk about my birthday present. I asked him not to give me anything, but he insisted. I really don’t want anything from him, but it would seem he’s already gone out and bought something. We’re not even together. He started talking as though we were together and about how he…
Pros
I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…
Tenfold
Up until Phil messaging me a few days ago, I hadn’t missed him at all; now I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the deep unconditional love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time in Tom’s company than usual because of stuff with…
Weakening
Phil messaged me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he knows it’s my child-free weekend coming up and he’s hoping I’ll weaken. He sent me a picture and words he found which he thought I’d like; we both know it was an excuse. I’ve been…
Sorry
This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…
Free
It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…
Half
If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…
Contribute
I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…
Halloween
It’s Halloween… to mark the occasion, I started the day off facing some of my worst fears.
Urge
When I left Tom, I started finding my truth. My thoughts recently are the culmination of three years of finding myself, finding my truth, and now starting to live it. Events over the last few days have powered these thoughts further. My friend Viv confided in me that there is a man who is in…
Sense
Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…
Future
I’m still having some doubts about whether I feel enough for Phil or not. Really, these fears started last week when I spoke to Karen about a forthcoming appointment we have with a psychic who is reputed to be amazing. I’ve since Googled her and found many reports claiming the same. My fear at the…
Bolt-On
I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…
Blip
I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…
Monopolised
Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…
Maybe
I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…
Pieces
I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…
Pressure
I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…
Escort
As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.
Impulsive
I spent some time chatting to the builder Dave, who did some work on the house when we moved in. We’ve become friendly over the months. Today, he was filling me in on his confusing love life. He’s ended things with his girlfriend as she lived too far away, and he was doing all the…
Out
Last night, I went out with my friend Sam, and it did me so much good. Although I’m suffering slightly today, mainly from tiredness, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I love our nights out together, although they haven’t happened for such a long time. Most of all, I’m feeling something that I…
Abnormal
I went to the hospital for a colposcopy this morning after my smear test revealed some mildly abnormal cells. Afterwards, I dressed and went into the doctor’s office. The doctor said that from what she could see, my cervix didn’t look cancerous and that the biopsy would confirm this when I get the results in…
Unthinkable
It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…
Offending
I’ve spent all day feeling angry. I’m angry at Phil, and I’m angry with someone I met recently and befriended, but who has already abused the friendship. Most of all, I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen in the first place. I’m so naive, and I’m too trusting. I always see the…
Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Sunday
Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…
Flirting
I went on a date with Theo last night.
Wrong
I joined a dating site last week and have been chatting with a man called Theo. Theo is intelligent, interesting, good-looking and very sexy. I’m very attracted to him, but I have so many questions and so many fears. I feel as though I’m not slim enough or beautiful enough for him. He told me…
Fickle
I miss Phil. I never thought this would happen, but the last couple of days I’ve really missed him. I’ve told myself it’s the elements of the relationship I miss, but I don’t know if that’s true – the relationship was what it was because of him, because of his kindness, and his patience. I…
Regret
Had I put a little more thought into how I wanted the first day of 2013 to start, I probably would have done it a bit differently.
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Movement
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.
Losing
Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…
Vocation
I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…
Needs
I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.
Autonomy
I often notice how events in my life tie together, even though they may appear to be very different at first glance. I thought I’d email my friend Esme this morning and see how she is after a recent confession that she ‘knows’ she is going to die. Before emailing her, I did some research…
Kind
I took a moment today to completely focus on Phil’s many positive attributes with no thoughts of the things that are marring our relationship, at least for me. I’m nowhere near the stage of moving in together or marriage, but I do want to continue a relationship with him, and I do want to focus…
Self
I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for nineteen months. Since I was fourteen, I’ve only been single for two years and two months in total. That’s twenty-two years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over two years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream…