Control

Wild

As I lay in bed last night, I started to question why I chose May 1st to start my yes challenge. I wondered why I don’t just start today; why does it have to be a significant date? What’s wrong with now? One of the first things I saw on Facebook today was this: ‘There…

Yes

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday when I took the kids out for lunch; how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next eleven years until Annie is eighteen,…

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Guilt

I’ve ended things with Phil. I didn’t do it in an ideal way; I texted him. I knew if I did it face to face, I would weaken and change my mind, not because I love him, but because the guilt factor would have kicked in massively. That is, after all, the reason I stayed…

Autonomy

I often notice how events in my life tie together, even though they may appear to be very different at first glance. I thought I’d email my friend Esme this morning and see how she is after a recent confession that she ‘knows’ she is going to die. Before emailing her, I did some research…

Intuition

Two days ago, I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Craig again. We haven’t spoken properly since November, other than the odd text here and there, so I texted him a quick hello. He replied asking how I was and said we should meet up sometime to catch up, so we arranged it for…

Joke

Tomorrow, Annie goes away for a week with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me for more than a night at a time. I really didn’t want to agree, but I didn’t think it fair to deprive Tom and Annie of time together, and his family time with their grandchild….

Unsuitable

Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….

Eat

For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book, it touched me. It made me cry, and it aroused long-forgotten feelings in me. This time it’s resonating within me deeply. There are so many things that are comparable to my life throughout the book, even though our physical journeys are…

Slipping

Tom and I have been trying to make another go of it, but I don’t think it will work. I can’t help noticing that the more time we spend together, the more comfortable he becomes and the more it feels as though he’s slipping back to his old ways. I know I could be wrong;…

Weight

I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…

Stumble

While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance, and then I tripped again, landing flat on my face, nose first into the carpet. I lay face down on the stairs, toys bouncing back down to the bottom, and I laughed. I laughed until the pain in my…

Powerless

Tom came to my home today. He ate lunch at my house, sat on my sofa, and watched my TV. He wanted to know how much money Josh was paying me. He wasn’t happy with the amount. He told me to tell Josh he has to pay more. I told him it was none of…

When?

When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough years. I can’t even recall the last time I laughed. I’m glad that I’ve moved away from Tom, and I’m beginning to love my new home, but I can’t help but question how long it’s…

Strength

My sisters are all very different, yet all have a similar streak. Control. They all control the people in their lives or their environment. Do I control? My children? No. I’m very easy-going with them. Men. No. They have controlled me. Housework. No. It always feels out of my control. I do control myself, and…

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Guard

Dreaming It is a Saturday morning, and I am driving to Elmsford. Greg, Amelia and Rosie are with me. The car doesn’t feel like it is working properly; it is bumpy, but I ignore it. I am driving fast, and I find myself falling out of the window. I struggle to get back in and…

Bones

Dreaming I am driving along Northbridge Road by the bakery, but I am going too fast. Ice appears on the road, so I slow down and turn the wheel. I am skidding, but I manage to control it. The car ends up against the pavement but facing the wrong way. I feel calm throughout. A…

Tag: Control