I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were to sit down and work everything out, I would find this manageable, albeit with cuts elsewhere.

It has been playing on my mind all day. I noticed I bit all of my fingernails down as far as they would go; I’m clenching my jaw, biting my lip, and have a stress headache, but it’s not just the worry of the money.

Now and then I find the weight of responsibility weighs so heavily on me; it’s almost too much to bear. Tonight, I went up to bed thinking that if a fire were to start, the responsibility is mine, and mine alone, to make sure I get all of the children out safely.

What if I fail?

What if I can’t pay the rent?
What if there is a bill that I’ve forgotten to pay and I don’t have the money?
What if I spend any spare money making this house a home and then we’re stuck here for years, or worse still, we lose the house, and I have no money for us to find a new one?

Fear is literally taking over at the moment. I have butterflies, adrenaline surges and I feel sick constantly.

I really missed Tom today. I needed to be held. I know a lot of it is because of the way I am feeling. I am scared; I need reassurance, but most of all I need someone else to take over, to assume all responsibility, or maybe to just to share it with me.

It’s times like this that I wish I still lived with him. He was everything I ever wanted when it came to safeguarding me and the children. I never had to worry about anything when I was with him; he took care of everything. I couldn’t see that. Instead, the only things I could see were his failings and what he wasn’t doing for me.

I always wanted more.