Me Time

Okay

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night as I kept waking every twenty minutes to sneeze or because of a headache or sore throat. I looked and felt like crap all day yesterday. Tom knew I was ill yet didn’t offer to…

Free

It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…

Path

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on them? How many times am I going to have loving feelings towards him, and the next thing he’s the last man I want? It started on Saturday. He was due to come over, but I…

Around

When Tom picked Annie up to go to his tonight, he managed, yet again, to upset her and unsettle her enough for her not to want to go. Every week is a battle to get her to go, and quite frankly, I don’t really know why I make her. Well, that’s not strictly true; I…

Sunday

Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…

Scene

In a few weeks time, Annie’s going to be going away with her dad which coincides with Amelia and Rosie going on holiday with their Dad. Josh has decided to go and stay with his cousins for a few days, so today I decided to book myself a few days away. I found the perfect…

Needs

I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.

Self

I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for nineteen months. Since I was fourteen, I’ve only been single for two years and two months in total. That’s twenty-two years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over two years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

2019

In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.

Me

The older children were all at their dad’s today, so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I felt as though I could do with some time to myself, so I asked him if he could take Annie out for a couple of hours. I thought he would jump at the chance as…

Space

The tent in the bedroom didn’t work out. Even though the bedroom is large, the tent dominated the space and would have driven me insane, so I moved on to plan B. Tom agreed to get the overgrown garden cleared so I could erect the tent in a secluded corner by the tree. The garden…

Sanctuary

I have no place in this house that I can retreat to for some peace and quiet, some ‘me’ time. I used to meditate, but I can’t anymore as there is nowhere for me, but I really miss it. Nor do I have anywhere to read without interruption. I was thinking that I should try…

Bliss

Today was one of those days that I wish happened much more often. Tom, feeling guilty for going out most of the weekend, said he wished that I would go out for a whole day and night and have some fun. With Annie still feeding so much, I don’t feel that I can do that,…

First

I left Annie with Tom for the first time tonight while I went out for dinner with friends. It was really lovely to have a break, but so difficult to walk out the door. I missed the children and was worried about how he would cope with all four of them, but when I got…