Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart.

I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how often do I fully share my truth with others? Never. I want today to be the beginning of a whole new life for me – one of honesty and integrity – starting with being honest with myself. I think it’s going to be a slow process that may take all of my courage and the rest of my life to master, but what have I got to lose?

I found a personal development question and answer thing online and have tested myself a little on my truthfulness. All answers are from the heart.

1. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
Yes, twice that I know of. At age 15, Danny got engaged to another girl. He told me this after he’d had sex with me. I was devastated, hurt and felt so used. They split up shortly after, and I took him back. He cheated on me again when Josh was 11 months old. We’d moved into our first flat together on a Friday. On the Saturday, he went to a party, staying out until the Sunday, then returned covered in love bites, which he claimed had been done with a hammer claw. I knew. By Monday, three days after moving in together, he moved out.

Greg never cheated, although he did have a heavy flirtation with Susie and did fancy a girl from the bakery whose Mum lived on my road. He openly admitted to me that he fancied her. Maybe that wasn’t quite as innocent as he made out.

Tom has every opportunity to cheat on me. Out at least twice a week, weekends away, working away often. I’d like to say no, but I have no way of knowing for certain, and actually I feel really scared to know if he has. It would really hurt me. I would feel totally used and abused, as well as betrayed. I fear it would break me; it would affirm my unattractiveness once and for all.

2. The last thing to make you angry?
I can’t recall. I feel such a range of emotions on a daily basis – most of which I deny to myself – that I can’t pinpoint anger in there. I’m almost certain it would have been to do with Tom; in fact, it may even have been last night when I commented, quite innocently, that he’d been around Abi and Andy for a long time. He huffed but didn’t reply. I’m tired of being ignored. That angers me greatly.

3. Are you a fan of romance?
Yes. I didn’t admit that to myself until fairly recently, but the truth is, I long for romance – watching a movie together, making love, shared words and intimacies,  flowers, walks, kisses, ‘I love you’, all those small but very meaningful acts that make a person feel valued and loved. Romantic films leave me hurting and yearning for a long while after. Always a painful reminder of what my soul desires, but my life lacks.

4. Have you ever been in love?
That’s a difficult one to answer. There have been three loves in my life.

• Danny. Teenage infatuation, a crush, first kiss, first everything. Definite lust, lots of exploration. Did I love him? Rather, was I in love with him? Yes, but infatuated, sexual, adventurous, teenage love.
• Greg. No, I have never been in love with him. I was in love with him loving me, and that is all. He satisfied a need in me, a need to be loved because no one ever really had before him.
• Tom. The absolute strongest attraction imaginable at the beginning, unexplainable attraction. I would have described us as soul mates, so strong was the pull. So quickly though, I felt let down by him, unwanted, used, convenient. I think I was in love – madly and passionately – but it soon got pushed out by hurt. Am I in love with him now? The anger, hurt and resentment lie on top of everything so heavily that I really don’t know what lies beneath anymore. Opening myself to the truth brings tears; if I could change things, I would. Possibly.

5. Do you have a temper? 
Very rarely. If I do, it’s generally old hurts coming to the surface or something Tom does that deeply hurts and triggers me, but it’s really not very often at all, and temper wouldn’t really be an accurate description. It’s more intense anger.

6. Are you jealous of anyone right now?
Yes, the author of a blog I have been reading recently. Too often I have felt that familiar twang. The author writes of leisurely days, café visits, seeing friends, long lazy baths, of reading books, of her great romantic love, of her photography projects. I could go on. I know the grass is always greener and I know that my life, as it is, will be over all too soon, but now and then, I long to know what it’s like to have no-one else, to be able to get up when I want, bathe in peace, eat at a time that suits me, to be able to stay in, go out, to sleep, to play. To choose.

7. Are you a lucky person?
I’m very lucky. I have four very healthy children. I have opportunities that millions around the world don’t have, but I know everything could change at any given moment. I don’t feel particularly lucky or particularly unlucky.

8. Do you always want what you can’t have?
I want romantic, pure, honest love. I could have that one day. I want lots of time for me. I will have that one day. I want peace and harmony. I’m working on it.

9. Do you like being treated to expensive things?
I love being treated to things; they don’t have to be expensive at all, but they do have to be thoughtful, something I like, something that means something to me. A nice pen, a gorgeous notebook, clothes, a magazine, something that suggests the buyer has thought about ‘me’ and what I would really like. I actually don’t think anyone ever has. I take care of my own needs.

10. Favourite type of chocolate?
Cadbury’s or Galaxy depending on my mood. Cadbury’s excites me, if that’s the right word?! Galaxy soothes and comforts me; it’s almost erotic and sensual. Answering this, I can now see why I eat so much chocolate. To make up for the lack of erotic, sensual, exciting and arousing moments in my life. How sad. I’m replacing real love, affection and sexual desire with chocolate; it makes me feel good, for a short time anyway. I’ve been wanting to give up chocolate, but I now worry about what I would replace it with. How else can I gain the fulfilment that chocolate gives me?

11. Are you creative?
Yes, I am. I almost (I meant to write always, but I’ll stick with almost) believed that Abi was the creative/artistic one; it dogged me for years, but I can see now that as a child I excelled at English and creative writing; little poems, music, stories. I was very talented. Now I take a good photograph, I sing, I can cook, I create, and I’m pretty good at them all.

12. Are you lonely?
Mostly I fill my time with Annie, photography, doing the family tree and the older children – when they’re here and not at school or their Dad’s. I have the odd time when I crave adult company, but on the whole, I think I keep myself occupied so much, I don’t really feel it. Those times I do are hard. I realise I fear loneliness; I don’t really want to experience that pain again.