Shame

Catalyst

Unsuitable

Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….

Ugly

My weekend away was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend time with friends – we laughed non-stop the whole weekend, we partied until the sun came up, we shopped, and we chatted, but one of the women, who I only really knew online, reminded me so much of Tom….

Heavier

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat, or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when…

Garden

Tom has been away for four days visiting his family. While he was gone, I decided to give the garden a makeover to create somewhere for the children to actually be able to use. All of my children, Susie and her two children, and my two oldest nephews came to help. By the end of…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Silenced

Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…

Negative

I’ve been going to counselling for just over a month. I thought it was starting to help in some way, but during my session today, the counsellor told me that I was a really negative person and that I see the negatives in everything. She said I must be difficult to live with, and it…

Cycle

It started again this morning – the name-calling and being nasty to me. This time I snapped. I told him that I couldn’t take much more of it, that I’ve told him before that I hate it, and I asked him why – if he loves me – does he continue to do something that…