At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…
Tag: Emptiness
Hurricane
I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends: grief, loneliness and emptiness. I have so many thoughts swirling around in the depths of my mind, making their way out to become my reality. The children and I went out for lunch today. To…
Flaws
Never has it been clearer to me that I need to do some major work on myself. I’m taking a long, hard look at myself this week and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time, and I lack intimate relationships because…
Belongings
Dreaming I am in my Nan and Grandad’s house, sorting through all of Nan’s belongings to get rid of them. There is an empty skip outside for any rubbish. Grandad is there, and at times I sense my Nan is too. I feel it is really important to be having this clear-out.
Free
It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…
Wednesday
I’m not happy. Driving back from the school run, it suddenly struck me that despite fooling myself for a long time that I am happy with my life, I’m not. My life is empty and meaningless. It’s 9.27am on a Wednesday morning; I’ve done the school run, and I’m back in bed. Why? Because I’m…
Shed
Dreaming It is the day before Annie’s birthday party. All of her presents are wrapped, and I’m making a list of what I have to do in the morning before her party, which is after school. On the list, I write: buy food, buy pink crepe paper and gold paper. There is a shed in the garden on the left; the shed is divided in half. The left half is empty, so I am going to cover the outside walls in the pink crepe…
Lapping
Dreaming I am on my way to Springtown. I’m in the water, which is a beautiful shade of blue. It is a warm summer’s day; there is a good feeling everywhere, and people are laughing and having fun. I have a young child, maybe Annie, relying on me to help her. I take her in my arms and start swimming easily. I am a good, strong swimmer and can very easily cope with holding a child. Ahead of us are lots of inflatable slides and people using them;…
Surrounded
I started tracing my family tree two years ago. At a time when my world felt like it was falling apart, it saved me in some way. It gave me something to focus on each night instead of thinking about how lonely I felt. I’d spend hour upon hour replacing the emptiness in my soul…
Cinderella
Dreaming I am living with my mum and dad. I am angry because I do all of the childcare and housework. My children are their children. Mum and Dad sit around doing nothing while I do everything. The door knocks; a man is there, a salesman. I ignore it and get Dad to answer it….
Shutters
Dreaming I am helping out in a classroom. The children are all young, and there are two sets of twins. I am pouring drinks for everyone. Occasionally I swear, but I know I shouldn’t in front of the kids; it is inappropriate. I look up out of huge windows and see a plane flying really…
Patience
Dreaming There is a very long queue of cars and lorries waiting to get petrol. Two hundred people are waiting, all getting irate. I walk past them all, through a car park, and ask for the angels to give them patience and love, and to help them feel calm. It happens instantly. I look around…