I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead.

I sent Tom a text; he replied to say that he would. I arrived at his house a short while later, walked in, and asked if he wanted to back out. He said he didn’t want to. He pulled me into him and kissed me. It felt strange but right.

Afterwards, we talked for a little while and agreed that this wouldn’t change anything between us, and I genuinely felt okay with it just being sex between us, whether it was just the once or if it happened again. We chatted loads about the past, where we went so wrong, about Phil and how he healed me. Tom told me about the impact that our breakup had on him, and for the first time, I really started to feel that he may have just changed a bit. He seems much more comfortable with who he is in life and a lot more understanding of my reasons for the decisions I’ve made. He admitted he still loved me, said he always had, but that he didn’t know if he was in love with me, which is pretty much how I feel at the moment too.

And now, it’s the evening, I’m home, and I feel empty. I feel empty because I’m longing for a connection that I just don’t have with Tom anymore, nor will I ever have again. I realised the connection I crave is one similar to the one I had with Phil, and there’s no one more surprised about that than me.

I don’t want Phil back into my life because I know we’re not right for each other either, but what I do want is the kind of deep unconditional love that Phil gave me. Tom is not the man to give me that; he never has been and he never will.

The sex with Tom, while enjoyable, felt empty and shallow, but I finally feel as though the time is right to really let him go on all levels.

I don’t doubt that when Tom eventually moves on and starts dating properly, it will be hard; I will probably still need to do one last piece of grieving for what we once had, but I also know that Tom and I don’t have a future. I am never going to be the woman he needs and wants in his life, and he’s never going to be the man I need and want. I also know I will love Tom until the day I die. We had the most wonderful times together, and we shared the hardest of times too. Tom is a part of my history; he has been there for a quarter of my life. I can’t do anything but love him. I love the man he was then, and I love the man he is now, but for very different reasons. I will always love him, but the time has come.

It’s quite refreshing and freeing to realise that. Obviously, it’s tinged with a little bit of sadness; it’s natural to feel sad over someone you’ve loved deeply for ten years, but I know this is the right thing for both of us. Most surprisingly is that the man who floored me, brought me to my knees, and almost destroyed me all that time ago is now the one who is making me see myself in a positive light.

Tom said today that I’m stunningly beautiful, something I don’t see. I think I’m fairly pretty, but I’ve never seen myself the way Tom described me. I said that maybe he thinks that because he used to be in love with me, but he said that wasn’t why. He said that I have something very attractive about me. He described me as being stunningly beautiful to look at, not just because of the way I look but because of my inner qualities. He said I’m smiley, happy and unconventional – the same thing Karen called me. He also said I had a depth to me that other women don’t have, and that is what makes me so attractive.

It was very healing to hear this, to know that finally, after all the criticisms I had from Tom, he can actually see my worth. It’s strange to think that the two people that single-handedly destroyed each other just four short years ago are now unwittingly healing each other.

To me, this is love in the greatest sense of the word.

I could hate Tom for how he treated me; I could be angry with him forever as he could with me, but I’m not, he’s not. We both have the wisdom to see that by loving each other, we’re helping each other to move forward with our lives, and this is why he will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Now, it’s finally over, and I’ve learnt a really valuable lesson – that no matter how illogical something seems to be, if it feels intuitively right, I should listen to that.