At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I told him that it left me feeling empty and sad, and that is why I hadn’t pursued anything with him again. He didn’t seem to understand why it left me feeling that way and I couldn’t really find the words to explain myself how I needed to. He then asked me if I loved him. I told him I did and that I felt that I would always love him in some way, but I also said I wasn’t in love with him. He said he still loved me, and he still wishes we could have worked it out. I asked him if he was saying he would like us to be together; he hesitated and repeated that he wishes we could have worked it out. So I’m not really sure what he was saying. I am with Tom, as Phil is with me – longing but not knowing.

I told the counsellor how initially I wasn’t at all attracted to Phil, but that I was trusting in life to be giving me whatever I needed, and so I began a relationship regardless of how I was feeling. While my feelings about the physical attraction towards him never really changed, I did grow to love the aspects of him that were kind, gentle, understanding, patient, and unconditionally loving. Unfortunately, I never grew to love or accept the rest: the immaturity, the childishness, the lack of care and responsibility for himself, the neediness, the impulsiveness.