Selfishness

Inspiration

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

Centred

Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….

Okay

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night as I kept waking every twenty minutes to sneeze or because of a headache or sore throat. I looked and felt like crap all day yesterday. Tom knew I was ill yet didn’t offer to…

Duty

Yesterday, my mum turned up with a bag in her hand and asked if she could stay the night. She’d had an argument with my step-dad, and she didn’t want to be around him. I let her in, and she spent the entire afternoon and evening offloading it all onto me. Once she left today,…

Monopolised

Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…

Maybe

I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…

Company

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that I don’t. Having spent a bit more time than usual with him this week, with the kids being home, I can see that he’s exactly the man he was, the man I left. He’s still…

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Scream

I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…

Confirmation

Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d see if he wanted to pick Annie up from school with me. He got angry over the silliest thing, bared his teeth at me like a dog, snatched a piece of paper out of my hand, and practically spat his words out at me. But…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Notes

It’s been two weeks since Maxine died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to my absolute core. I seem to be spending too much time in bed – feeling scared, more than anything else. Maxine was a light that shone so brightly. She lit up the room when she walked…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Me

The older children were all at their dad’s today, so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I felt as though I could do with some time to myself, so I asked him if he could take Annie out for a couple of hours. I thought he would jump at the chance as…

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Committed

I still love Tom more than ever, and I still want a relationship with him, but I don’t really want to live with him anymore. He’s noisy; I like quiet. We don’t have the same taste in decor, music, TV programs or anything really. While I know it sounds like we have nothing much to…

Act

Tom and I have barely spoken all week, other than for him to call me lazy. He always fails to notice how much I do. Actually, he fails to notice that I do anything – insisting that all I do is ‘sit on your arse all day long.’ Despite me telling him that I think…

Snoring

Annie’s been really unsettled for the last few weeks, even more so than usual. I’ve been feeding her at least five times a night, every night, sometimes more. I’m managing on three to four hours of broken sleep, and I’m completely exhausted. Tom keeps complaining that we’re disturbing his sleep. Today, he even said that…

Tag: Selfishness