I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that I don’t. Having spent a bit more time than usual with him this week, with the kids being home, I can see that he’s exactly the man he was, the man I left. He’s still controlling, still belittles me, still does all the same shit he always did, and if I got back with him, he’d do it all the more.

I haven’t spent the last three years building my family up to this level for him to destroy it all over again.

I realised I’ve been spending time with him as I really enjoy male company; however, I have to stick to the realisation I had a few weeks ago, which is that I don’t want a relationship. This isn’t the time in my life to be having a full-on, heavy relationship. This is the time for my children – and for me – and for the first time in my entire life, I am finally starting to put my needs first. It feels good. I have the occasional battle with myself that I’m being selfish, but I’m not really. I know I’m not.