Cry

Catalyst

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Danger

CONTENT WARNING This dream contains sexual violence, including rape. Dreaming

Grandad

Dreaming I am in a fancy dress shop. I’m trying to remember what it is I need to buy a costume for. The person I am with tells me I need a grass skirt for Patsy’s party, but I say I need something else as well. I can’t remember what. I am in a school playground with Annie and her friends; Annie looks really ill. She has really heavy, red eyes and a rash on her face. I feel her head; she is roasting hot. I talk to Mrs Jeffery and tell her I think Annie is ill. She goes…

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Tired

I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and plunge it deep into my heart, and rip it out for good, quickly and relatively painlessly rather than this ongoing torturous nightmare I’ve endured for so long. I am tired. I am tired of fighting him. Tired of…

Stagnant

The last three days have been horrible. I told Tom about Phil; he had to know sooner or later. I decided that I needed to make much more of an effort with Phil, stop focusing on what I don’t find easy to love, and focus fully on what I do, and so part of putting…

Told

I told Phil about Tom. I spent the entire morning getting it all out in an email so Phil knows some of what went on, what he has to deal with and how it still affects me. I’ve been having some major fears coming up. What if I’m wrong about Phil and he turns out…

Pretend

Dreaming I am a man. My neighbour Yvonne has some kind of involvement with me, and her husband Simon doesn’t like it; he instructs her to kill me. Yvonne runs the knife down my cheek, and I pretend to die. Yvonne takes my red basque, but I plead with her not to. My fake death lasts for days, with me lying on a seat of a car and the husband checking on me every now and then. There seems to be a shop in the background. Yvonne cries. Eventually, she challenges Simon while in the morgue and informs him that I’m not really dead, and either he marries her…

Lounge

Dreaming I am at what looks like an airport lounge, but for a ferry, to go to the Puu Isles. I’m not going to Vama or Cahat but somewhere in between. I am in the queue with my passport. There are two young girls in front, but they slow down and then stop, so I pass them and take my turn. I have to fill out a couple of forms and show my passport. Josh then comes up and does his,…

Perform

Dreaming I am in a shop when I see Maria from a well known girl group; her name is Natalie, and she is working there. I speak to her and notice how different she looks; she is covered in spots all around her hairline. I like that she is completely normal, like everyone else. She is about to perform and goes to get ready. The next time I see her, she looks…

Play

Tom asked to have Annie at his house for a few hours this afternoon. I didn’t want her to go, but he insisted. I suggested he come to mine, but he said he wanted her there. I took her, and I tried to stay, but he wanted me to go. Annie said she wanted to…

Safe

Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with getting a kitten, but tonight I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I spent the day with Tom. He came over mid-morning, fixed the trampoline for the children to use, stayed to play with Annie, joined us for lunch and came with me to…

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Cruel

His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Celebration

Dreaming I am in a public area when my phone rings really loudly in a tone that I don’t recognise; I quiet the phone. I am sitting on a pew in an outside church. I am on the left side with Belinda and Janet on my right. There are two rows of people in front…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

Clarity

Stop

After twenty-nine months, I’m going to stop breastfeeding Annie. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want to rush her, but also because I was scared to stop in case he carried out his threat to take her away from me. Annie feeds loads during the day and even more at…

Licence

Dreaming I am at Ruth’s house dropping Rosie off for a party. It is 11 am. I go into the house; Ruth is there fighting back tears. I hear her tell Abi that her dad died yesterday. I am about to leave to go shopping. I ask Ruth if she needs anything. She says she…

Courage

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not. I didn’t want to go and spend the whole time in tears again, partly because I’m not good with being emotional in front of people and partly because I feel it stops the group doing what they’ve come for;…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Due

Izzy and Susie popped around today. When they left, they did something that really upset me. I was standing outside on the doorstep saying goodbye to them when Susie said in a loud voice, “Look at the state of your eyebrows. When did you last have them plucked? They look a right mess.” I was…

Process

Today has been harder than I ever imagined it to be for both of us. We both feel that we’ve failed, and both feel very sad that we’re coming to an end. We’ve discussed how our relationship will continue; we can both see the positives, but we can both see the negatives, too. We do…

Trick

Dreaming

Party

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Weapon

Dreaming I am in Linton town centre and hear that Julie is dead; she has been stabbed with a knife and died. I have to tell the girls; Rosie is unfazed, but Amelia is quite upset by it. At home, I notice the rubbish – which looks quite like my camping gear and red holdall…

Doctor

I don’t feel well. I’m not physically ill, but I think I might be mentally ill. I sit here constantly questioning if Tom is right and if there is something wrong with me; he’s always telling me that there is, maybe he’s right. Sometimes I think that it’s him, but most of the time, I…

Cinema

Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…

Always

My Dad rang this morning to tell me that my aunt has died unexpectedly. I got off the phone and, through tears, told Tom what had happened, but I had interrupted him while he was listening to records. He started shouting at me for annoying him, and said it’s always my fault that he’s annoyed….

Yesterday

Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just like to be able to forget ever happened, yet I know it’s going to be one of those days that stays etched in my memory forever.

Enemy

Tom’s family flew in for the weekend on Friday. I hated having to share Annie with the people that – in my head at least – are such a threat to Annie and I. I just wanted to get in bed and snuggle with her instead of having to share her with the enemy. Tom…

Beg

I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing; I was wrong – he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed; if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.“ Annie…