I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing is the only thing right now that helps me feel connected to who I was many years ago.

During my lesson today, we continued with the song we started last week, You Must Love Me from Evita. It’s such a beautiful song; the words are so poignant:

Where do we go from here?
This isn’t where we intended to be
We had it all
You believed in me, I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do? For our dream to survive?
How do we keep, all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart, I’m concealing
Things that I’m longing to say
Scared to confess, what I’m feeling
Frightened you’ll slip away
You must love me, you must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be, any use to you now?
Give me a chance, and I’ll let you see how
Nothing has changed

Deep in my heart, I’m concealing
Things that I’m longing to say
Scared to confess, what I’m feeling
Frightened you’ll slip away
You must love me, you must love me
You must love me

As I sang, I really began to feel the depth of the lyrics. Thoughts of Tom flowed into my heart and mind, and I found myself overcome with emotion. My throat constricted, my voice broke, and the tears spilt onto my cheeks until I was unable to sing another note through my sobs.

My heart is breaking.

I love him so much, but there’s just no way to fix this anymore. I can’t pull it back; I can’t find him in our pain.

He’s lost to me.