Rejection

Broken

I missed Phil so much all day today. I longed to see him, snuggle in his arms, and just talk. I decided to book something as a belated birthday present for him – a night away. I decided on a date, but when I spoke to him, he said he had plans on that day….

Be

I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together, it feels so good. Being with Phil is the only time I feel grounded; the rest of the time, I feel slightly out of control and very empty. Despite that, I still can’t say that I won’t end things with him…

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Unthinkable

It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…

Away

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…

Link

At my counselling session today, we discussed something that’s become a bit of a problem recently – my use of the internet. My eyes open, I go downstairs, and almost every day I turn on my laptop before I do anything else. Some mornings we’re late for school because I’ve spent time on there. Often…

Ugly

My weekend away was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend time with friends – we laughed non-stop the whole weekend, we partied until the sun came up, we shopped, and we chatted, but one of the women, who I only really knew online, reminded me so much of Tom….

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Proposal

I broached the subject of sex with Craig. The combination of his flirting and taking those photos a few days ago has really got me thinking. I’ve been deprived of a sexual, intimate relationship for so long, and it’s always been something really important to me, so now that I’m single, why deprive myself any…

Naked

Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time, and I really feel that for the first time in such a long time, it’s safe for me to really be myself. We talk about almost everything, and I never feel that I have to hold back with him. The only thing…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Heavier

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat, or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when…

Rejection

Tom used to stay downstairs watching TV until midnight, but these days, if he’s not at the pub, he goes up to bed by nine o’clock to watch it there. I can’t bring myself to get into bed that early – Josh doesn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm, and if I went…

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Cinema

Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…

Net

Tonight, for the first time in so long, Tom and I had sex. He’s been rejecting my kisses and cuddles for months now. If I try to talk to him about our lack of sex life, he tries to avoid the conversation, or says it’s all I care about. I’ve tried telling him that it’s…