I’ve booked to see a counsellor next Tuesday, just for me; Tom doesn’t want to go.

Things are getting really bad; we might be okay for a day or two, but then it starts to slip again. I phoned Relate this morning to see if they’d see me alone and how much they charge. I really can’t afford to pay very much, but they said it’s based on the individual’s income and so will only charge me ten pounds per session. I think I can just about afford that as long as I am careful with the food shopping.

After booking the appointment, I spent the rest of the day trying to settle Annie. She is getting over a virus, and is also going through a clingy stage, so she spent almost the entire day crying – unless she was being held. For the last few days, she’s been falling asleep at 4pm for an hour and then not being tired again until at least 9pm; last night it was gone 10pm.

I had a school meeting this evening, which meant Tom cared for Annie while I was gone. I asked him to keep her awake so that she would go to bed at a normal bedtime as I really needed a break. When I got back from school, I walked in to see Annie asleep in Tom’s arms. He said he couldn’t keep her awake. He didn’t think to treat it as bedtime and put her to bed; instead, he held her. The moment the older girls and I walked in, she was immediately wide awake and full of energy, although that quickly turned to crying, once again.

While I stayed up with Annie, clinging to me once again, Tom went and got in bed to relax and watch TV.

I really hope the counselling helps.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to work through our problems and be happy again. I’m also going because I need to work out whether this is our problem, his problem or if I have some kind of mental illness that’s affecting everything.

In my saner moments, I wonder if he’s brainwashing and bullying me. It feels good to have taken a positive step forward, and hopefully, things will start to become clearer over the next few months.