Baby

Tread

Dreaming There are many people in my home, including lots of children staying over in my bed. I am looking after them all. Josh has a friend over; I want my space back, although I enjoy having them there. Sandra is there; I know this as Sandra from thirty years ago, younger looking and with her old hairstyle. She can’t find one of her socks, so she puts on one of Ralph’s, even though it is very precious to him and he won’t want her…

Spirit

Dreaming I’m at Louise’s house, looking over at Maxine’s house. I’m in Maxine’s house; there are many rooms. Maxine is there in spirit; her sisters are there. I’m watching people walk along a bridge when a boy falls over the side. Maxine’s sister grabs him just in time There is a large tank of water; Amy and Alfie are in one side, Michael in the other. I produce something to give to Michael which has lots of kind words on it. There’s another man in the tank/pool on the right. (Tom) He…

Runners

Dreaming It is morning; I have just woken. Greg/Tom (Greg is more prominent) is in bed next to me.

Covered

Dreaming I am on Montague Lane with Izzy. I am pregnant. Izzy has a baby that is 18 weeks old; I am 18 weeks pregnant. Izzy’s baby was born three days before I conceived. I am wearing a skirt; suddenly it falls down. I have no knickers on, but I am wearing a white t-shirt that is just long enough to cover my bum if I hold it. I hold it down to cover myself up but then can’t be bothered anymore so I let go and take a chance. It remains down enough to cover me, although I…

Awkward

Dreaming I am with Tom. He takes my hand in his; his hand is so warm and comfortable, and I’ve missed it. I feel complete love for him, and he for me. I never want to let go. We kiss – long, lingering kisses. I notice Amelia watching us through the crack in the door;…

Grass

I was about to cut the grass today when Tom stopped me. He told me I wasn’t to do it as I didn’t know what I was doing and would fuck it up. Instead, he said we’d tackle the house together. He suggested he would do downstairs while I did upstairs. I went to our…

Overheard

Yesterday, I took the girls out for the afternoon on their bikes. Amelia can ride confidently, but Rosie is still unsure and needs lots of encouragement. Tom refused to come with us or look after Annie as he was tired and wanted a nap before going to the pub in the evening. Today, we met…

Relate

I’ve booked to see a counsellor next Tuesday, just for me; Tom doesn’t want to go. Things are getting really bad; we might be okay for a day or two, but then it starts to slip again. I phoned Relate this morning to see if they’d see me alone and how much they charge. I…

Flap

The alarm went off at half-past six this morning. I got the older children ready for school and fed and dressed Annie. I was exhausted as I’d been up with Annie five or six times in the night again. Tom stayed in bed sleeping until just after nine o’clock when I got back from the…

News

Tom returned from yet another weekend away yesterday – his eighth in the past six months, on top of a seven-day skiing holiday, countless nights out, and his usual three evenings a week at the pub. This weekend’s trip was to a family wedding. Annie and I were invited, but not my other children. When…

Farm

Tom took the day off work, so we took Annie along to the local farm. She has developed a fear of animals lately, so she spent most of the day clinging to Tom. Seeing him so protective of her made me love him all the more. He didn’t try to persuade her that the animals…

Hand

A couple of days ago, Tom and I walked into town for a look around the shops with Annie. We stopped for lunch and popped into the park on the way back. Tom even held my hand as we walked along. It was a gorgeous day – in many ways – not least because we…

Cinema

Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…

Bliss

Today was one of those days that I wish happened much more often. Tom, feeling guilty for going out most of the weekend, said he wished that I would go out for a whole day and night and have some fun. With Annie still feeding so much, I don’t feel that I can do that,…

Lunch

Tom took us all out for lunch today. While we were there – for no reason that I could find – he started ranting about people in this country all being stupid, especially me, and that his country and everyone who lives there is much better in every way. I asked if it was so…

Snoring

Annie’s been really unsettled for the last few weeks, even more so than usual. I’ve been feeding her at least five times a night, every night, sometimes more. I’m managing on three to four hours of broken sleep, and I’m completely exhausted. Tom keeps complaining that we’re disturbing his sleep. Today, he even said that…

Rollercoaster

Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now worrying that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class. When I got back, I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind, but then Annie woke up….

Warmth

It was so cold today. I ran a hot, deep bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon, and soaked for an hour with Annie to warm up. The trouble came once I got out – I didn’t want to do anything for the rest of the day. I dreamed of putting on my pyjamas,…

Starting

Tom said that he doesn’t want me driving on the motorways anymore with Annie. He said that my driving is shit and that I will get her killed. There is nothing wrong with my driving; I’ve never had an accident or even so much as a scrape in all the years that I’ve been driving….

Engaging

We took the girls on a day out today. Tom spent the whole day engaging the older girls in the activities and caring for Annie, so that I could spend some quality time with the other children. It was such a lovely day – made even better when Annie giggled for the first time. It…

Break

Sometimes when Annie cries, I just need a bit of a break. I need to cook dinner, or do some washing, tidy up, have a shower, or just have five minutes to be me again – to recharge my batteries so I can go back to holding, playing, feeding, comforting. I wish Tom made that…

Names

As Annie had a feed and fell asleep in my arms, I was looking at her and thinking about how one day she could be looking down at her children, and it made me quite melancholy. I told Tom what I’d been thinking, and he said that we won’t be around to see grandchildren. I…

Backseat

Tom’s family are coming to visit tomorrow. Since Annie was born, I’ve struggled to keep the house as clean and tidy as I used to. Annie’s a very unsettled baby, so housework has had to take a backseat for a while. I asked Tom to give me a hand. I thought he would, as it’s…

Beg

I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing; I was wrong – he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed; if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.“ Annie…

First

I left Annie with Tom for the first time tonight while I went out for dinner with friends. It was really lovely to have a break, but so difficult to walk out the door. I missed the children and was worried about how he would cope with all four of them, but when I got…

Arms

Annie has been quite an unsettled baby so far. She wants to be in my arms, feeding or cuddling constantly. I’m barely able to get anything else done without her crying. While I love the bond that we have, I’m struggling with not being able to cook a dinner or spend time with the other…

Waiting

For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…

Saturday

It’s Saturday night, which, for Tom and I, has always meant having a curry and a drink together, except I stopped drinking almost nine months ago when I fell pregnant. He didn’t stop. Tonight, when our curry arrived, he opened his beers and brought out a bottle of vodka that he’d bought earlier. He poured…

Weeks

As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…

Host

It’s just one month until our baby girl is due to arrive. The older children are so excited; they’ve been talking about what they’re going to do with her, who’s going to change her nappy, and how they’re going to play with her. Tom is equally as excited, but today, after he’d taken photographs of…

Pause

We’ve been trying to conceive for months, and nothing was happening. Last month, I suggested we pause for a while to take the pressure off. “I told you right from the beginning that I wanted a baby. The reason I fell in love with you is that you’re a good mum. I want that for…

Tag: Baby