Challenge

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Reveal

I realised today how calm, centred, and balanced I’ve been since spending time with Phil on Sunday. I remembered that this is how I used to feel with him, at least when I wasn’t stressed. I feel at peace, I’m more open, and I’m feeling positive. I even feel as though I could find my…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Single

I started the relationship anxiety course today. Only four minutes into the video, something struck me that hadn’t before. To be with Phil, I needed to let go of being single, and I never did that. In fact, I clung desperately to my single life, convincing myself that it was what I wanted, that it…

Blurted

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. When Annie left the room, Tom blurted out that he’d been on a date last weekend. He went on to tell me about the date; I started to feel sick to my stomach. I always knew this day would come, and even though I…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Weakening

Phil messaged me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he knows it’s my child-free weekend coming up and he’s hoping I’ll weaken. He sent me a picture and words he found which he thought I’d like; we both know it was an excuse. I’ve been…

Half

If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

1000

Today is 1000 days since I left Tom. I no longer feel anger or resentment towards him, and on the whole, I can handle anything he throws at me. Now and then it gets to me, but it affects me for a couple of hours instead of weeks or months, and I’d almost go as…

Floor

I always knew that this was going to be a really difficult week or two, but I underestimated just how hard it would be. The list of jobs I still have to get through is vast, and still growing. Today, all I managed to do was the food shopping and buy the bits I need…

Pretend

Dreaming I am a man. My neighbour Yvonne has some kind of involvement with me, and her husband Simon doesn’t like it; he instructs her to kill me. Yvonne runs the knife down my cheek, and I pretend to die. Yvonne takes my red basque, but I plead with her not to. My fake death lasts for days, with me lying on a seat of a car and the husband checking on me every now and then. There seems to be a shop in the background. Yvonne cries. Eventually, she challenges Simon while in the morgue and informs him that I’m not really dead, and either he marries her…

Perform

Dreaming I am in a shop when I see Maria from a well known girl group; her name is Natalie, and she is working there. I speak to her and notice how different she looks; she is covered in spots all around her hairline. I like that she is completely normal, like everyone else. She is about to perform and goes to get ready. The next time I see her, she looks…

When?

When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough years. I can’t even recall the last time I laughed. I’m glad that I’ve moved away from Tom, and I’m beginning to love my new home, but I can’t help but question how long it’s…

Slow

I don’t feel good today. Telling the children has made it all the more real. It seems to be all part of the slow process of leaving. I’m having concerns about how Tom will cope once we’re gone. He’ll be rattling around in a big house on his own; he currently has no work, no…

Lower

Today has been really challenging. I’m tired and stressed, and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking for houses to rent, but there’s nothing in my price range and nothing in the areas I want to live. I had a chat with a solicitor, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. Tom refused to…

Tag: Challenge