If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind.

Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has happened, but this time his new profile picture caught my eye, and it felt like the right thing to do to send him a message. There wasn’t a great deal of thought behind it other than bearing in mind the ripple effect and how this may impact him, but I assuaged my doubts by sending him a simple hello, after which we exchanged a few more messages.

It was good to hear from him, not only because I like talking to him – he’s intelligent, mature and funny – but also because he makes me think about my life. By replying, he has also made me feel more alive than I have in months. This isn’t because I envisage a relationship of any kind with him; it’s because there’s a spark – an attraction – that I don’t feel with Phil.

This made me realise how dead I feel with Phil. It’s so secure, so safe, so boring. It’s pre-determined and dull. Life with Phil is comfortable and easier, but it’s dull, and every time I have felt insecure, scared or needing comfort and support, I have run straight back into Phil’s arms instead of just facing up to the pain and waiting for it to pass. Each time I have gone back to this dull existence where nothing feels exciting, nothing even feels new or interesting. Nothing sparks me. It’s just safe, and safe is boring me into a half-life.

Messaging Theo has opened this up for me.

Theo hurt me last time; he hurt me a lot. His actions led me to pain, to look at myself harshly, to judge him wrongly and not to trust myself to keep going. Theo’s actions led me straight back into what I already knew about Phil.

With Phil, I knew I would never get hurt. I knew he was dependable and trustworthy and safe, but that gets boring after a while when there’s no attraction or passion. I’m already seeing how life would be with Phil. I can already see that within weeks or months I would be looking elsewhere for some fun because he holds me in a place I don’t want to be. He holds me in his safety net because he needs me to be there. He keeps me as the ‘victim’ that he has to look after and cherish because that’s the type of love he believes in, but it’s not the type of love I believe in.

I believe in excitement, fun and a little danger. I believe in taking risks with my heart.

Messaging Theo could lead me to more heartache; in fact, it most probably will, but I’m going to do it again because life is for living and experiencing, not just for staying as safe and comfortable as possible. Talking to Theo has shown me what I’m excluding in my life, what I need in my life and what I need to do to achieve it.

I have to go back to something I thought about shortly after leaving Tom; I thought to myself that I would love, no matter what. Back then I meant with a man. Maybe now the promise I need to make to myself is to love myself no matter what. To risk pain and heartache because that risk is the only way to ever live a full life, not a half life.

Later, I found this verse. It perfectly sums up life… except I want it all.

Half of Everything
I want the up, but not the down; I want the smile, but not the frown.
I like the Yes, but not the No; don’t want to stop; just want to go.
Don’t want the darkness, just want the light; I want the day, but not the night.
I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.
I like the fire, but not the burn; I want to know-don’t want to learn.
I like Hello, but not Goodbye; I want to live, don’t want to die.
I love to scratch, but not to itch; I love the goddess, but hate the bitch.
I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.
I like the half that makes me happy, and hate the part that makes me sad.
I love the gorgeous, the sweet and the good; I hate the ugly, the bitter, the bad.
I like the pleasure and hate the pain; I worship the sun and shun the rain.
I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.
(Author Unknown)