Pain

Hurricane

I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends: grief, loneliness and emptiness. I have so many thoughts swirling around in the depths of my mind, making their way out to become my reality. The children and I went out for lunch today. To…

Barbaric

While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex-girlfriend. He said he doesn’t know what he was ever doing with her – looks-wise. I said that I was surprised he was saying that, given how he’d been so quick to criticise my relationship with Phil based on Tom’s perception…

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Butterflies

Tomorrow, we’re going to the Puu Isles for five days. Tom wanted Annie to visit family, but she wouldn’t go without me, so we’re all going. Despite not really wanting to go until now, I now can’t wait. I just want to get away from here, and to get away from my own mind. I’m…

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Tormented

I went to Phil’s last night to talk things over. I had a long list of questions in my head that I needed answered, some that I knew would actually hurt me, but I felt I needed to know rather than not know and be tormented by them. I’ve become such a strong believer in…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning; he said he wanted to see how I was, as I’d been on his mind the last few days. He wondered if everything was okay. The cynical part of me thinks he saw something that I posted on Facebook last night, and he’s turning it around so it seems that…

Single

I started the relationship anxiety course today. Only four minutes into the video, something struck me that hadn’t before. To be with Phil, I needed to let go of being single, and I never did that. In fact, I clung desperately to my single life, convincing myself that it was what I wanted, that it…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Headfuck

Amelia saw Phil holding hands with a woman. I’ve barely thought about Phil since we split up, apart from when I slept with Tom and I realised that he isn’t a patch on Phil in any way. Why then, now that he’s definitely moved on, do I start to care? At first I felt pleased…

Surrender

I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…

Tenfold

Up until Phil messaging me a few days ago, I hadn’t missed him at all; now I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the deep unconditional love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time in Tom’s company than usual because of stuff with…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Half

If ever I needed an answer to my many questions, it is now. If ever there is such a thing as Divine Timing, it is in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My challenging year. My stresses and my ever-changing mind. Last night on Facebook, Theo popped up. It’s not the first time this has…

Outlet

This evening, out of the blue, I missed Phil. Although I don’t want to be with him, I do want to be doing things with him. The weekends away, the nights curled up in his arms. It started to rain, and it made me miss him more because we both love the rain, and a…

Greener

I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to feel everything that he is and all that he offers me. I’ll admit I was having a really bad week, but these last few days are better. I’m not having a bad time at all, but…

Sunday

Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…

Parts

I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though…

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Guilt

I’ve ended things with Phil. I didn’t do it in an ideal way; I texted him. I knew if I did it face to face, I would weaken and change my mind, not because I love him, but because the guilt factor would have kicked in massively. That is, after all, the reason I stayed…

Crutch

Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then went back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, lay in his arms, and he held me tight as I poured out my heart to him about the last few days and everything that’s gone on lately. He soothed my soul and gently…

Meals

I slept really badly – my mind was nagging at me throughout the night. It all seemed to stem from the most innocent of conversations with Phil about the meals he eats; microwave meals most of the time, as he sees no point in cooking just for himself and is too tired to prepare and…

Confirmation

Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d see if he wanted to pick Annie up from school with me. He got angry over the silliest thing, bared his teeth at me like a dog, snatched a piece of paper out of my hand, and practically spat his words out at me. But…

Liar

At my counselling session, Jane gave me a set of Russian Dolls, asked me to take them home and work with them. She wanted me to look at each layer and really feel what each layer represents in Tom. I did this exercise tonight. It was very painful, and I really didn’t want to do…

Needy

At my counselling session today, I told Jane that I think I’m too needy. Jane asked me to tell her what being needy means for me. Needy means I am lacking in love. I need and like a lot of physical affection. I love being hugged and kissed. I love having sex; I love the…

Deluge

For far too long I’ve felt like surrendering to my pain and allowing myself to drop deeper into the black hole that has become my life for the last eleven months. Instead, I went to see the doctor two weeks ago. She said I was depressed, that the last few years have caught up with me and…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Stumble

While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance, and then I tripped again, landing flat on my face, nose first into the carpet. I lay face down on the stairs, toys bouncing back down to the bottom, and I laughed. I laughed until the pain in my…

Notes

It’s been two weeks since Maxine died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to my absolute core. I seem to be spending too much time in bed – feeling scared, more than anything else. Maxine was a light that shone so brightly. She lit up the room when she walked…

Cocoon

When I was a little girl, I used to escape from my painful childhood by retreating to my bedroom and cocooning myself inside a nest of pink blankets and pillows. I felt safe in a space that never really was. Today, I dragged myself into town to walk around the shops; as I did, I…

Shatter

My heart feels as though it’s about to shatter with the pain of losing Maxine. I turned to Tom during my darkest hour, but he isn’t even attempting to understand my grief or what I’m going through. It’s all about him and his needs; all he cares about is himself. He didn’t even offer me…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Cruel

His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…

Contract

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to our new home; a house that just me and the children will live in. I’m leaving behind a man I love to the depths of me; a man that I thought would be in my life forever. I’m devastated, but I know it’s the…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Celebration

Dreaming I am in a public area when my phone rings really loudly in a tone that I don’t recognise; I quiet the phone. I am sitting on a pew in an outside church. I am on the left side with Belinda and Janet on my right. There are two rows of people in front…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Snow

It snowed really heavily last night and was still snowing this morning when we awoke. The girls stayed off school, Tom and Josh stayed home from work, and we all played out in the snow. My neighbour Sam came around in the afternoon; we all built snowmen in the garden, but then Tom started making…

Awkward

Dreaming I am with Tom. He takes my hand in his; his hand is so warm and comfortable, and I’ve missed it. I feel complete love for him, and he for me. I never want to let go. We kiss – long, lingering kisses. I notice Amelia watching us through the crack in the door;…

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Dawn

Weeks

As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…

Quilt

Dreaming I am visiting a male relative in hospital; there is nothing else they can do for him, and I feel really sad. I walk through Hazleton, pushing Rosie in a pram; she has cancer and only has days to live. I am trying to buy a quilt for her to keep her warm in…