I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days.

Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though the first half was filled with things it shouldn’t have been. I lacked the confidence to be myself, and because of that, I’ve been unhappier than I could have been. I’ve allowed men in my life to do as they please with my emotions, which has led me to lots of pain and heartbreak.

I’ve been weighing up the men that have played a significant part in my life. Rather than focusing on why it didn’t work, I thought about the reasons it did, and what qualities I really liked in each man. Although I try to convince myself I’m happier on my own, really, I never feel more content and whole than when I have a man in my life, sharing a home and our time. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I would love to have a good man by my side, but I’m so scared to dive into that pool again in case it all goes wrong, as it has with the other men.

So far, in my thirty-nine years, life has taught me that the men I allow into my life let me down and treat me badly, or are possessive and suffocating. If I could take the good parts of each man and bring them together to form a new man – maybe with some additional good parts I haven’t come across yet – then maybe I’d be willing to dip my toes back into the water.

Danny gave me passion. We were so young, but we still had passion and amazing sex. He was my first kiss, my first love and my first sexual partner.
Greg gave me affection. He also brought DIY and housework skills to the relationship. I’ll never underestimate a man who can do either, or both.
Tom gave me the opportunity to feel what it’s like to love someone. I worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved that he was happy, easy-going, and confident, good-looking, an alpha male who saw it as his job to look after me and the children.
And Phil gave me true, unconditional love. He held me, physically and emotionally, as I’ve been healing from the darkest time in my life. He gave me patience and understanding.

It’s all of these things I’d like in a man, one man, not separately in four men. I just don’t know if that’s possible.