This evening, out of the blue, I missed Phil.

Although I don’t want to be with him, I do want to be doing things with him. The weekends away, the nights curled up in his arms. It started to rain, and it made me miss him more because we both love the rain, and a rainy evening indoors would have been so lovely. There are things I like and miss about him, and I wish there were a way of having that in my life without having him in my life the way it was.

The girls and I decided to walk in the rain. From where we were, I could see the places I spent time with Craig, Theo and Phil. I thought of the good times we shared, and it made me feel sad and lonely.

Tonight I really want to be held in a man’s arms, yet I know what’s really going on is that I just want to escape the current stress in my life. Dealing with the added worry with Rosie is getting to me, and I need an outlet – an escape. Instead, I’m just going to have to feel the pain rather than involve Phil again.