Scream

Danger

CONTENT WARNING This dream contains sexual violence, including rape. Dreaming

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Intuition

Two days ago, I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Craig again. We haven’t spoken properly since November, other than the odd text here and there, so I texted him a quick hello. He replied asking how I was and said we should meet up sometime to catch up, so we arranged it for…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Power

Dreaming I’m standing in the kitchen with Tom, asking him why he has to go back home again so soon. I look up to the garage and see a woman in there; she has long hair, is pretty, and I sense she is famous. I tell Tom, but while I can see her, he can’t. As we watch, it starts to snow suddenly but stops just as quickly as it started. I go into the utility room and see a man standing by…

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Float

Tom came back home from visiting his family today.

Stop

After twenty-nine months, I’m going to stop breastfeeding Annie. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want to rush her, but also because I was scared to stop in case he carried out his threat to take her away from me. Annie feeds loads during the day and even more at…

Waste

We went out for lunch today. If we ever go out, we almost always go to the same restaurant, and I pretty much always order the same food because I love it so much. This week, I’ve decided to go on a diet and try to deal with the extra pounds I’ve put on, so…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Cycle

It started again this morning – the name-calling and being nasty to me. This time I snapped. I told him that I couldn’t take much more of it, that I’ve told him before that I hate it, and I asked him why – if he loves me – does he continue to do something that…

Waiting

For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…

Saturday

It’s Saturday night, which, for Tom and I, has always meant having a curry and a drink together, except I stopped drinking almost nine months ago when I fell pregnant. He didn’t stop. Tonight, when our curry arrived, he opened his beers and brought out a bottle of vodka that he’d bought earlier. He poured…

Tag: Scream