Dreaming

Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.”

Responding

I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream.

Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this dream is self-explanatory. Once again, all the fear I have surrounding Tom is resurfacing, and it’s not something I want to see or face. The panicky feelings haven’t left me all day. I feel sick, restless, and desperately wanting the closeness and comfort of Phil, but I am holding on tight to my need not to become dependent on Phil to ‘fix’ me, and yet I know if I were to see him, I would feel okay again very soon.

Susie told me yesterday that I am damaged goods, and she’s right. What happened with Tom has damaged me, and I suppose my biggest fear is that I will never recover from that. I’ve almost come to accept that the old me has gone for good, and I just need to get to know and accept this new me, even though I don’t like her anywhere near as much.

The new me lives in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I live a secluded life; so scared am I of letting anyone in. Every day, I retreat into my home where I feel relatively safe, if only I could retreat from my thoughts. I’m scared that I’m going to stay this way forever and that I’m eventually going to drive myself insane.