I don’t quite know what’s wrong, but whatever it is, it seems to be getting worse.

It’s been building for months. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I’m feeling panicky, breathless and lightheaded.

Yesterday, I took Annie out on her bike. I was so aware of it being just me and Annie again. She was so good, but every now and then she wouldn’t listen or would ride too fast, and I’d feel an adrenaline surge, my heart race and a panic set in.

Today is no better. I keep looking at the drawer full of paperwork that needs my attention, and I feel it again. I look at everything I need to do in the house, and it’s there. I think of the children being home for the Easter holidays and how I should do stuff with them, and I get breathless. I don’t have the energy to do anything, and I just want to sit on the sofa with my laptop, playing stupid meaningless card games and flicking between Facebook and other websites to just pass the time.

I can see that writing this down, it all looks like depression or anxiety, but I don’t even want to contemplate that. As soon as I give in to anything, it’s going to consume me and then what will I do?
The fact is, if the offer was there to stay in bed doing nothing every day, at the moment, I’d take it.

I think I must be feeling this way because of an accumulation of years and years’ worth of events that have built up, and I’m starting to buckle under the strain. It was so much easier when I was with Tom. Now I’m alone, and I have nothing to focus on but me.

Going back to life with Tom is almost easier than living with this; at least I wouldn’t be alone.