Alone

End

Dreaming I am standing alone in the middle of nowhere, but I am aware of people somewhere around me. All around me is dusty earth and nothing else in sight. I know that it is the end of the world. I think about packing my belongings, but I realise I don’t need to, as I…

Unconventional

I went to Karen’s this morning for a quick catch-up. During our chat, she said I am really unconventional and that I probably always have been, and that she thinks I will become more so the older I get. She says she really sees me changing lately, that I no longer seem to care about…

Petals

Dreaming Tom is leaving to go and live in Cornwall. We have to drive down with him in his car; it will take five hours. Just as we’re about to leave, I see my cousin Erin. I’m supposed to be going around her house tonight but realise I won’t be back in time. She is…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

Burst

Dreaming I am a spectator in the audience at an arena. Bob Castle is on stage in a white, soft, fluffy dressing gown with his clothes on underneath. Tom is next to me. Some of the audience – those closest to Bob – are also wearing white dressing gowns. There is a woman in front,…

Decade

It’s my fortieth birthday soon, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this year. I started the year not really looking forward to it and berating myself for not being the weight I promised myself I would be by the time I turned forty. I had some fears come up about life passing me…

Free

It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

Danger

CONTENT WARNING This dream contains sexual violence, including rape. Dreaming

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Meeting

Dreaming There is a woman alone in a house. She is at the top of the stairs; the walls all around her are green. Every one of her friends and family are in a meeting. Behind her appears a woman; she is dressed from head to toe in red and black, a bit like Cruella De Vil. The red and black woman pushes the other woman down the stairs.

Greener

I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to feel everything that he is and all that he offers me. I’ll admit I was having a really bad week, but these last few days are better. I’m not having a bad time at all, but…

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

Silence

After six days of silence, I still haven’t heard from Theo, and I feel a bit annoyed. I feel used. But wouldn’t it be true to say that maybe I used him just as much, especially as I don’t want more from him. However, meeting him has made me realise that I will not settle…

Away

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…

Quest

I woke this morning feeling pretty awful, not ill or tired, just a profound need to be alone and retreat back into my world with nobody disturbing me. I took the girls to school, avoided making eye contact with anyone as I didn’t want to talk, got in my car and started driving. I was…

Needy

At my counselling session today, I told Jane that I think I’m too needy. Jane asked me to tell her what being needy means for me. Needy means I am lacking in love. I need and like a lot of physical affection. I love being hugged and kissed. I love having sex; I love the…

Link

At my counselling session today, we discussed something that’s become a bit of a problem recently – my use of the internet. My eyes open, I go downstairs, and almost every day I turn on my laptop before I do anything else. Some mornings we’re late for school because I’ve spent time on there. Often…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Sensation

Dreaming I am on holiday alone but am in someone’s suite in the guest house I’m staying at. There are two people here who are going to kill a man. They intend to kill him by electrocuting him in the bath, but first they want to knock him out to get him in the bath. They do something to him, which means he’s dead by the time they get him in the bath, and so they won’t have to electrocute him, but they do it…

Consumed

I don’t quite know what’s wrong, but whatever it is, it seems to be getting worse. It’s been building for months. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I’m feeling panicky, breathless and lightheaded. Yesterday, I took Annie out on her bike. I was so aware of it being just me and…

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…

Instinct

Dreaming I’m in bed when instinct tells me to get up and go downstairs. As I go down, I see two men leave through my front door; they are burglars. I’m not sure if they’ve taken anything or not, as I disturbed them. I go to the front door and shout out to them to…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

How?

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.

Lower

Today has been really challenging. I’m tired and stressed, and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking for houses to rent, but there’s nothing in my price range and nothing in the areas I want to live. I had a chat with a solicitor, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. Tom refused to…

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Silenced

Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…

Grass

I was about to cut the grass today when Tom stopped me. He told me I wasn’t to do it as I didn’t know what I was doing and would fuck it up. Instead, he said we’d tackle the house together. He suggested he would do downstairs while I did upstairs. I went to our…

Bliss

Today was one of those days that I wish happened much more often. Tom, feeling guilty for going out most of the weekend, said he wished that I would go out for a whole day and night and have some fun. With Annie still feeding so much, I don’t feel that I can do that,…

Mother

Tom came home from his skiing holiday yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport, but when I saw him, my heart sank. I suddenly realised what a lovely stress-free week the children and I had, and how it would all change. He appeared at the airport entrance sun-burned and saying he was…

Manage

It’s Tom’s sixth day of his skiing holiday with his family. A holiday that was too expensive to take me and the children on, but not too expensive for him. I’m exhausted managing everything on my own with all four children, although it has been nice not to have any arguing or name-calling. Being alone…

Cost

Tom left home for another four days away to attend his best friend’s birthday party. Again, we weren’t asked to join him, and again, I’ve been left at home alone with all of the children. He did give me £50 to buy food for the next few days, while he’s taken £500 over with him,…

Behind

Tom went to visit his family today; he’ll be gone for five days. Other than having my family around tomorrow, I don’t really have anything planned for my Tom-free time – other than lots of counting down the hours until he’s home. I miss him already, but I also wish he hadn’t left me and…

Bleeding

Dreaming I am in a house with Clive, Susie and the children. Clive is taking the children somewhere and tells me they’ll be back at 9.15pm. Susie and Clive think this is okay. I am unhappy and tell them there is no way my children are going out alone until that time, and that I’ll be going…

Mission

Dreaming I am in Ashcombe; there is a feeling of a disaster has taken place and a rescue mission happening. A car has crashed through some railings and gone into the water. There is a rocket that is about to take off; my children all get on board, but I am scared that it will crash the same as the car. I don’t want any of us to have to get on, but we don’t seem to have a choice. I climb on…

Enemy

Tom’s family flew in for the weekend on Friday. I hated having to share Annie with the people that – in my head at least – are such a threat to Annie and I. I just wanted to get in bed and snuggle with her instead of having to share her with the enemy. Tom…

Weeks

As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…

Supplies

“I’m heading to the solicitors to finalise the house and pick up the keys. Tonight, we’ll go and clean the house, ready to move in tomorrow. Meet me there at 7pm.” I was held up sorting my children out and getting cleaning supplies. “You’re late. Here’s a key. I’m going to leave you to it…

Viewings

“It’s about time we took this to the next stage after three years together. Why don’t you start looking at homes and find one for me to buy? Find a nice area, somewhere in between where we both currently live. Make sure it’s got everything we need.” I asked if he was going to look…