Rosie

Awakening

Dreaming I am in a house that is mine, but unrecognisable to me. I raise my right hand above an object (I think it was a purse) and can feel energy in my hand. I lift it, and the object rises too. I realise that the awakening has made this happen, that I now have…

Sunken

Dreaming Amelia has had a baby, and Rosie is babysitting for her. I am unsure of the gender of the baby, but it feels more like a girl. Rosie is sitting in the bath with the baby; I am sitting outside of the bath, half-watching. Rosie gets distracted using her phone for what seems like…

Live

Two days ago, not long after waking, I lay in bed daydreaming about something or other when, suddenly, as clear as day, the words ‘Less than a year to live’ popped into my head. Two days later, I find myself thinking about how we would live our lives differently if we always knew how many…

Explore

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…

Trapped

Dreaming I am standing in a room; Phil is there; he is still overweight, maybe even more so. Phil is sitting down; I am standing. I become aware of my breasts and feel a lump in the nipple area of each breast. The lumps are small boils. I start to squeeze the left one, and…

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Friend

On the first day of the year, for one of my answers in a family questionnaire, I wrote that Phil was my best friend. Sitting here now, thinking about our relationship, the one that has evolved in recent months, I realise that’s not true at all. Phil was my best friend when we were in…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

2014

It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Repercussions

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Free

It’s been weeks since I last had any time to myself at the weekend. Last weekend all of the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that, Amelia and Rosie were home because Greg was away; every weekend before that I’ve spent with Phil, either here or at…

Ripple

I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…

Contribute

I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…

Halloween

It’s Halloween… to mark the occasion, I started the day off facing some of my worst fears.

Path

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on them? How many times am I going to have loving feelings towards him, and the next thing he’s the last man I want? It started on Saturday. He was due to come over, but I…

Wednesday

I’m not happy. Driving back from the school run, it suddenly struck me that despite fooling myself for a long time that I am happy with my life, I’m not. My life is empty and meaningless. It’s 9.27am on a Wednesday morning; I’ve done the school run, and I’m back in bed. Why? Because I’m…

Directions

Susie and I had lunch together, and I had a surreal moment of realisation. Firstly, Susie and I have lost the connection we had. Whereas we used to spend hours together most days, and then still ring each other up later to talk more, today we sat for ninety minutes and soon ran out of…

Sense

Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…

Bolt-On

I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…

Blip

I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…

Plodding

I feel like I’m in limbo; maybe I’ve felt that way for the last few years. When I think back over my diary entries, all I see is a mundane life, and that saddens me a little. I have no tales of wild adventures, travelling, or meeting new and interesting people. My life consists of…

Monopolised

Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…

Maybe

I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

Company

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that I don’t. Having spent a bit more time than usual with him this week, with the kids being home, I can see that he’s exactly the man he was, the man I left. He’s still…

Escort

As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.

Outlet

This evening, out of the blue, I missed Phil. Although I don’t want to be with him, I do want to be doing things with him. The weekends away, the nights curled up in his arms. It started to rain, and it made me miss him more because we both love the rain, and a…

One

Day two of the holidays saw us having a very lazy morning, followed by some housework, after which we piled into the car and went to the park. We let Jasper off the lead, and he and the girls all ran around playing for half an hour. They danced, jumped off walls, laughed, joked and…

Hesitantly

Dreaming I am sitting at the kitchen table; Tom leans over me and says, “There’s been a lack of kisses around here lately.” He then leans in and kisses my lips. I’m concerned about the kids seeing, but I hesitantly kiss him back. After a couple of kisses, it becomes slightly more urgent, and Tom asks if I’m still on my period. He wants sex, but I don’t know where we would do it with the kids around. I want to, though.

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Foundation

I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…

Dare

I woke up in a bad mood because of Phil taking over the decision-making. I was tired and grumpy, which was made worse when I received a phone call from a place I went for a job interview yesterday; I hadn’t got the job. Later, someone broke into our garden and stole Josh’s bike, and…

Cousin

Dreaming I am in the living room. There are balls of wool unravelled by my feet, all different colours, some wrapped around my ankles. I think the kids have been playing with them, but there is wool everywhere. The doorbell rings; I am concerned as I don’t want anyone to come round and see the mess everywhere. I answer the door to find my cousin standing there. I keep looking back to make sure Jasper isn’t about to run out; I keep the door just slightly ajar. I…

Purpose

It’s said that if you don’t know what your life’s purpose is, look back at what you wanted to be when you were a child. I had a couple of things I thought I wanted to do, but I had no deep feelings behind them. The only thing I ever really wanted with a passion…

Going

I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning. I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I…

Try

I succeeded today. The only way to fail is to not try, and to try is to be successful. I took action. The steps were small but significant because they took me one step forward compared to where I was yesterday. I suppose all I can do is take one small step forward at a…

Tough

Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…

Predicament

Dreaming I am driving along a seafront. The sea on my left is really high and has come in all over the road. I drive through the water; it splashes right over an old lady and a man on my right. I see her wiping water away from her mouth. I realise I was driving through too fast, and I slow down. Although I feel a bit bad for soaking them, I’m also laughing at what I’ve done. I have £30 to my name, and it is the day of two…

January

I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.

Wires

I am slowly destroying Phil. I don’t mean to; I really don’t want to, but I don’t seem to be able to help it. Last weekend, he slept around, and it completely freaked me out. I couldn’t wait for him to go, not because of anything he did, but because it just felt very uncomfortable…

Relaunch

After months of not knowing what to do, yesterday I decided to just do something. Anything. I debated getting a job in a shop, but then thought, why don’t I just restart my photography business? At least that way, I’d hopefully be getting some work, but still be able to be home for the children,…

Floor

I always knew that this was going to be a really difficult week or two, but I underestimated just how hard it would be. The list of jobs I still have to get through is vast, and still growing. Today, all I managed to do was the food shopping and buy the bits I need…

Push

On Friday, I finally got our new home into a nice condition to live in. The builders all left a few days ago; the new carpets were put down today, and I cleaned and tidied it all, so it was spotless. To my surprise, I found myself wanting to invite Phil round to show him…

Movement

The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.

Refuge

We decided to take my Dad up on his offer to rent the house. It ended up being really short notice; I had just eight days to pack everything. In that time, Annie caught a virus that wiped her out for five of those days and involved two trips to see the doctor. She had…

Enough

I’ve forgotten how strong I am. I’ve spent far too long thinking I’m weak, that I can’t do things, and I realised that’s just not me; it’s not who I am. I am, and always have been, a very strong character, and it’s time I not only remembered it, but celebrated it too. It’s my…

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Bitter

Scene

In a few weeks time, Annie’s going to be going away with her dad which coincides with Amelia and Rosie going on holiday with their Dad. Josh has decided to go and stay with his cousins for a few days, so today I decided to book myself a few days away. I found the perfect…

Needs

I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.

The time has come for me to start thinking about what’s next in life for me. I’ve done what I wanted to do with my life up to now, but a time of change is upon me. Actually, it has been for the last two years. Today I went to the local college to see…

Exclusive

Dreaming I am sitting in a tent. Horses are running around outside; I’m hoping they won’t come in. One does. It looks like a blue Bulldog. I am on holiday in Cornwall with Phil, the kids, Tom and his new girlfriend (he doesn’t have one in waking life). The tide is out; golden sands are crying out to be played on before the sea comes back in, but I can’t find anywhere to park other than outside a rough-looking pub which turns out to be an exclusive members pub for posh people. They instruct me…

Foolhardy

I recently mentioned to Phil that I might start looking around for a new house to move to. The children and I have been in our home for a couple of years, but it was only ever supposed to be a stopgap. Yesterday, Phil asked me for the postcode for the area I want to…

Away

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…

Stagnant

The last three days have been horrible. I told Tom about Phil; he had to know sooner or later. I decided that I needed to make much more of an effort with Phil, stop focusing on what I don’t find easy to love, and focus fully on what I do, and so part of putting…

Source

Dreaming I am at the house of a woman; I may be moving to her house. She appears to be well dressed, well spoken, not posh but has an air about her. Her house has the feeling of a lot of white and gold, although I don’t actually ‘see’ the colours. While talking to her, I realise that I am parked in the car park and haven’t bought a ticket. I go outside, and a man tells me not to bother as it’s almost the time when…

Self

I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for nineteen months. Since I was fourteen, I’ve only been single for two years and two months in total. That’s twenty-two years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over two years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream…

Ours

I’ve spent the last week or so looking at houses, but it’s not been the easiest job.

Along

Dreaming Tom has proposed. We are in a shop looking at bridesmaid dresses for the girls. All around us are men’s suits. I choose some that I dislike, then realise that if Tom likes them, that will be the colour scheme we will have, as Tom always chooses what he wants. The colour is burgundy, which I hate. I realise that I haven’t even told him if I want to marry him, yet we are choosing wedding stuff. I am going along with it as I feel I have…

Time

It’s New Year’s Eve. Tom was supposed to be staying the night to see the New Year in with me and the children, but instead he’s at his house, and I’m at mine, and it’s because I chose it. I decided that, and I made it happen. I remember someone saying to me once, “Who…

Gift

What better day than Christmas Day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates so much that you can’t ignore it. A day of loving, of giving. Today, to myself. Just like last year, Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve as well as tonight, to spend Christmas with…

Link

At my counselling session today, we discussed something that’s become a bit of a problem recently – my use of the internet. My eyes open, I go downstairs, and almost every day I turn on my laptop before I do anything else. Some mornings we’re late for school because I’ve spent time on there. Often…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Struggling

I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a single parent or if there’s more to it than that, but everything is getting on top of me. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m letting my children down; we never have enough money for the things we need,…

Insight

I thought I’d write a list of all the things I love so that I can gain a better insight into who I am deep down, for those times that I forget myself, or even worse, if I ever lose my identity again. It always fascinates me how we’re all so similar, yet all so…

Numb

The other night, I had a dream of a man being electrocuted in the bath. The thing that stood out for me most in the dream was the ending. The man had died and yet was also still alive but couldn’t feel anything. He was numb to anyone’s touch, feeling or sensation. I hadn’t looked…

Odd

Dreaming Julie is staying at my house because no one else wants her anymore. She is upstairs and has taken a hose from the bathroom, turned it on and soaked one of the bedroom carpets. There is water everywhere. I am so angry, and I don’t want her anymore now either. All of my family are sitting in a big circle. Tom, Izzy, my nieces and nephews, my children, everyone. Josh is feeling a bit scared and vulnerable; he is naked. He wants to sit on my lap. I think it’s a bit odd, but…

Reverse

Dreaming I am in my car in a school with Amelia and Rosie. It is raining hard. Amelia gets out of the car to go into one of the buildings. I drive the car up towards the building, but then realise that I can’t turn around and will have to reverse out. I put the car in reverse and start to move. The car is going fast, and the brakes aren’t working. I can’t stop, and I think I will hit the tree that is coming up. The brakes finally work just before I hit the tree.

Dull

I took the girls to a theme park today. Tom joined us. I didn’t want him to, and the older children didn’t want him to come either. They said he makes everything about him and what he wants rather than allowing them to do what they want – which is true. I always feel as…

Built

Dreaming My Dad has built a house and is living in it. It has clean lines and a lot of cream and beige. The kids and I are moving in with him. I work out that Dad can have most of the rooms downstairs, and we can go upstairs. Dad has an office and a meditation room, as well as a bedroom. I am telling someone about the house, and I take the credit for Dad’s rooms even though it was actually him who did them. I am standing…

Dealbreaker

Dreaming I am going out for lunch with Craig. He pulls up in his car, and I am in mine, but kind of in his too. I have all the children with me. I hadn’t told him they were all coming along. Craig pulls up the back window, and I can’t see behind me anymore. We are parked in the car park of the Carvery in Northbridge. I wonder if our cars are blocking the way for others, but no one…

Consumed

I don’t quite know what’s wrong, but whatever it is, it seems to be getting worse. It’s been building for months. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I’m feeling panicky, breathless and lightheaded. Yesterday, I took Annie out on her bike. I was so aware of it being just me and…

Weight

I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Self-Conscious

Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…

Involved

It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with the children. He’s still here. At least when he’s here, I know he’s safe. I never spoke to him about us getting back together, but I have made sure he’s been much more involved…

Simple

The simple things bring me the greatest pleasures these days. Waking to snow, donning our warmest clothes – hats, scarves, wellies and jumpers – and heading out into six inches of crisp, crunchy white snow. Having a snowball fight with the children, losing. Building a snowman, walking to the shops for goodies. Dragging the Christmas…

Right

It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the right decision, and we’re all much happier. Tom has surprised me and gone back to who he used to be. He’s proving to be a good dad to Annie and to my other children, and…

Hearing

For the last year of living with Tom, Rosie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and stay there until the next morning, apart from coming down for meals and when Tom was at the pub. She’d stopped being affectionate with me, wore black all the time and just looked so sad…

Safe

Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with getting a kitten, but tonight I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I spent the day with Tom. He came over mid-morning, fixed the trampoline for the children to use, stayed to play with Annie, joined us for lunch and came with me to…

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…