I’ve ended things with Phil. I didn’t do it in an ideal way; I texted him. I knew if I did it face to face, I would weaken and change my mind, not because I love him, but because the guilt factor would have kicked in massively. That is, after all, the reason I stayed with Greg so long. Guilt.

Phil phoned and tried to change my mind, but I’m not backing down. I don’t want to. Ending things with Phil has made me think once again about how things ended with Tom. Later, I imagined what Tom will say when I tell him Phil and I are not together; I imagined he would say that I’ve hurt someone else.

It made me realise once again that I never did want to leave Tom. In the days running up to leaving, I was praying that he would ask me to stay; to say we’d work it out; to tell me he loved me, but he did none of those things. He just let me go.

I realised that leaving Tom was like losing a limb. I didn’t want to; he was a part of who I am, how I work, how I love. He was a part of me as much as a limb is, but it was like as much as I wanted the limb and thought I needed it to survive, it had gangrene and keeping it would kill me – at least kill the person I was.

I did amputate, and it has been painful. I do miss it/him, and I do think and dream about the days I still had him, but I’m managing. Would I have him back if he asked? Yes, most probably, in a heartbeat, but it would never be my ‘real limb’ I think it would be like having an artificial limb. Maybe that’s a good thing?

I could learn how to walk again; we could learn how to walk together, and if ever it got sore, I could take it off until I was ready to try again!

Ok, pretty shit analogy!

The last three nights I have dreamt about Tom; it makes me miss him even more. Last night I dreamt he sincerely told me he loved me. It felt so good and so real. I wish, if he did still love me, he would tell me, but then again, am I telling him? Am I telling him that he’s a part of me,  intricately linked through our souls and no matter how much I try, and no matter what I do, I cannot stop loving him. I will love him endlessly, passionately, fiercely and with everything I possess until the day I die, and probably beyond. The love I feel for him is far, far bigger than I am. It owns me and controls me, and I never want it to end because it feels so vast, so encompassing. I need to feel this to survive.

Yesterday at Annie’s swimming lesson, I saw him catch sight of a woman who is exactly his type, and the pain hit me. If he were to meet someone else and move on, I would be devastated, probably even more than the day I left him, because that really will be the end; there will be no hope. I’m so scared that’s going to happen. I’d love for us to have another chance, to try again and see if we can love each other. To see if I can control my moods, stop reacting to him, stop thinking the worst of a man that I adore and haven’t been able to stop loving since the day I met him.

Do I leave it alone and let him eventually move on, or do I tell him what’s in my heart and risk hurting him once again? I know the answer, and it hurts.