I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together, it feels so good. Being with Phil is the only time I feel grounded; the rest of the time, I feel slightly out of control and very empty. Despite that, I still can’t say that I won’t end things with him…
Tag: Lacking Understanding
Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Away
I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…
Thirty-Six
Dreaming I am on a street with Dad, about to go and view a house. I am looking at a house on one side of the road which looks really nice; it is number thirty-seven, but I’m not sure it’s the right one. I look for number thirty-eight as I’ve forgotten which one we’re seeing. Dad then says he can see which one; it’s over the other side of the road and is number thirty-six. The house is grotty. It is boarded up and run down, whereas the one over the…
Staying
Dreaming Mum has invited Auntie Agnes to stay with her, but she ends up staying at my house instead. It is Friday night, and Agnes is being really nasty to me – shouting and criticising me. I feel hurt, and I don’t understand why. It is Saturday night; the attack on me from Agnes is worse tonight, and I feel scared. Agnes takes my laptop and shouts at me constantly, being really vindictive and horrible. I go upstairs; Dad is asleep in my bed. The bedroom looks like my bedroom but also like Mum and Dad’s old bedroom…
Valuable
Dreaming A young woman is lying on the carpet on a landing in labour. There are two or three midwives with her. One of the midwives asks me to help out. She asks me to hold the baby while she delivers the baby. (The two acts are going on at the same time, involving the same baby.) She wants me to either hold the baby in my arms or lay it on a white sheet on top of a narrow strip of something. I think this…
Underneath
Dreaming I am in the sea with Annie on my left. To our right is a male voice, but no visible male. Directly in front of us, crossing our path, is a train on the water. The voice tells us to go under the train, and we’ll come out fine on the other side. We are underneath when I realise we are under really big black rubber tyres and that it will take too long to go under. I know Annie won’t understand to take a big breath, and she will drown….
Missed
Dreaming I am sitting at a table with my family and friends. My aunt Mary is there, my cousins – although they don’t look like my cousins – apart from Ashley, who has a baby in her arms and is pregnant, which I didn’t know about; my friends Melissa and Rebecca. My family are all next to me to my right; Melissa in front on the next table with her back to me, and Rebecca on the table in front and to my left. Melissa turns around, and I…
Lapping
Dreaming I am on my way to Springtown. I’m in the water, which is a beautiful shade of blue. It is a warm summer’s day; there is a good feeling everywhere, and people are laughing and having fun. I have a young child, maybe Annie, relying on me to help her. I take her in my arms and start swimming easily. I am a good, strong swimmer and can very easily cope with holding a child. Ahead of us are lots of inflatable slides and people using them;…
Reasons
I’ve been making more of an effort to make friends with people recently. I’ve become really reclusive over the last year or so, staying home most of the time or just spending time with the children or Tom. I thought it would be good for me to interact with others a little more. I’ve made…
Doctor
I don’t feel well. I’m not physically ill, but I think I might be mentally ill. I sit here constantly questioning if Tom is right and if there is something wrong with me; he’s always telling me that there is, maybe he’s right. Sometimes I think that it’s him, but most of the time, I…
Saturday
It’s Saturday night, which, for Tom and I, has always meant having a curry and a drink together, except I stopped drinking almost nine months ago when I fell pregnant. He didn’t stop. Tonight, when our curry arrived, he opened his beers and brought out a bottle of vodka that he’d bought earlier. He poured…