Uncertainty

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Exhilarated

Dreaming I am in a show with four black men; above us is a pole. My role in the show is to hang upside down from the pole. It is an amazing feat, and the audience is impressed. I am in a room. I’m thinking about doing the trick again; this time there is no…

Effort

Dreaming I am getting ready for an event – maybe a party or a dinner – in London. I put on a satin green dress. My body is slim, and I look really good. I’m wondering what I could wear with it to keep me warm; I don’t think I have anything suitable, but I…

Sense

Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…

Hesitantly

Dreaming I am sitting at the kitchen table; Tom leans over me and says, “There’s been a lack of kisses around here lately.” He then leans in and kisses my lips. I’m concerned about the kids seeing, but I hesitantly kiss him back. After a couple of kisses, it becomes slightly more urgent, and Tom asks if I’m still on my period. He wants sex, but I don’t know where we would do it with the kids around. I want to, though.

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Unsuitable

Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….

Lounge

Dreaming I am at what looks like an airport lounge, but for a ferry, to go to the Puu Isles. I’m not going to Vama or Cahat but somewhere in between. I am in the queue with my passport. There are two young girls in front, but they slow down and then stop, so I pass them and take my turn. I have to fill out a couple of forms and show my passport. Josh then comes up and does his,…

Attraction

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom. I don’t even want to think about where I was, emotionally, this time last year. Certainly not where I am now – enjoying the peace of a childfree, sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, feeling relaxed and content. It got me thinking…

Contract

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to our new home; a house that just me and the children will live in. I’m leaving behind a man I love to the depths of me; a man that I thought would be in my life forever. I’m devastated, but I know it’s the…

Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…

Instinct

Dreaming I’m in bed when instinct tells me to get up and go downstairs. As I go down, I see two men leave through my front door; they are burglars. I’m not sure if they’ve taken anything or not, as I disturbed them. I go to the front door and shout out to them to…

Testing

Dreaming

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Courage

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not. I didn’t want to go and spend the whole time in tears again, partly because I’m not good with being emotional in front of people and partly because I feel it stops the group doing what they’ve come for;…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Severed

Dreaming I am at the register office in Linton. I am there to collect some papers/document. The cost is £68. The person at the desk isn’t sure this is right but tells me they will be ready later that afternoon. I look at the paper in my hand; it actually says £12. I tell the…

Moving

Dreaming Izzy and Samuel are around; I am meeting Samuel for the first time. He is lying on my sofa in the corner of the living room in the house at Church Lane. Outside the door to the room are two members of his family – a man and a woman. I introduce myself to…

Brother

Dreaming There is a party for someone in the family. It is taking place in a club/pub but also at my mum’s house. She is throwing a party, but I don’t think anyone will turn up at hers; I think they’ll all stay at the club. I am at mum’s; it’s time for the guests…

Spot

Dreaming I am on a beach; it seems to be split in two halves, but I can’t quite see how. I can, however, see that the part of the beach furthest away, to the right, the tide is out. There are people on this part that are doing something that gets my attention. I go over and see what looks like worms in the wet sand; the people are getting them out of the sand, but…

Crossroads

Dreaming I am walking along Chestnut Avenue, further up from my house, with Ant. He looks up into a tree and spots a bird’s nest; it has whitish fluff coming out of the bottom. Ant goes over to it; I don’t know what he’s going to do; this can’t be part of his job. He removes the…

Nearer

Dreaming I am in a garden that I recognise as being Belinda’s. While it is her garden, it is mine in some way, too. The grass is long. I enter from the back of the garden; I want to get to the front, nearer the house. I have bare feet, and as I put my foot down,…

Different

It’s been another weekend of ups and downs. Yesterday, I woke feeling really strong and positive. I decided I wasn’t taking his crap any longer and never again would I ask him for money. When I needed to go and get some shopping, I just said, “Where’s the bank card? I’m going to get food.”…

Cycle

It started again this morning – the name-calling and being nasty to me. This time I snapped. I told him that I couldn’t take much more of it, that I’ve told him before that I hate it, and I asked him why – if he loves me – does he continue to do something that…

Mission

Dreaming I am in Ashcombe; there is a feeling of a disaster has taken place and a rescue mission happening. A car has crashed through some railings and gone into the water. There is a rocket that is about to take off; my children all get on board, but I am scared that it will crash the same as the car. I don’t want any of us to have to get on, but we don’t seem to have a choice. I climb on…

Collect

Dreaming I have to go to London to collect Lucy and bring her back to her house. I’m almost certain I know the way and feel quite confident. I get in the car with Abi to head to London; I think we have a two-hour journey ahead of us. Before I know it, we are in London, and I’ve received a text from Lois, who is with Lucy. It is of a map pinpointing which cafe/restaurant they’re in, and which table…

Yesterday

Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just like to be able to forget ever happened, yet I know it’s going to be one of those days that stays etched in my memory forever.

Names

As Annie had a feed and fell asleep in my arms, I was looking at her and thinking about how one day she could be looking down at her children, and it made me quite melancholy. I told Tom what I’d been thinking, and he said that we won’t be around to see grandchildren. I…

Lulling

Despite Tom’s threat to take Annie, and despite all of my fears when I was pregnant, he’s proving to be a good Dad. He spends lots of time with Annie, and he’s always willing to give her cuddles and rock her off to sleep if I can’t settle her. Today, he really made life easier for…

Weeks

As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…

Flimsy

Dreaming I am walking along a street, heading downhill, when a Chinese/Hong Kong woman approaches me. She speaks quietly so no one else can hear and asks me if I will have her dog. She means forever. I’m not sure, but I agree. She tells me he is at the bottom of the hill – the big shaggy dog. I get to the bottom and see the dog; it is huge, much bigger than I…

Engulf

Dreaming I am outdoors; there is a wall with a huge white seal laid on it, and beyond that, the sea. The tide is coming in fast, and everyone needs to get indoors before it engulfs everywhere. There are more seals, but I don’t know their significance.