Change

Mummied

Two weeks ago, Amelia met a boy. They’ve been texting each other since, and last weekend they met for lunch and went to the cinema. Today Fin met Amelia after work, and they came back here. Fin is lovely. He’s polite, hard-working and confident. The only problem is that Fin has opened my eyes to…

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Unconventional

I went to Karen’s this morning for a quick catch-up. During our chat, she said I am really unconventional and that I probably always have been, and that she thinks I will become more so the older I get. She says she really sees me changing lately, that I no longer seem to care about…

Bewildered

I went for breakfast with Karen and Cheryl today. We chatted about friends and their values, which prompted me to say that I felt I’d changed so much in the last year or so, whereas before I was really accepting, understanding and forgiving, I now am the opposite. If a friend expresses something that I…

Small

Dreaming I am in the house at Church Lane. I go into the kitchen; the current owners have changed it, and it is now really small and narrow. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me why they would make it so small and difficult to use. The bigger kitchen was much better.

Synchronicities

I’ve had a lot of indecision over the last year or two about my career, partly because of not feeling good enough – which I’m ignoring even if it still tries to remind me. Partly it was also because there are so many things I love doing – that I want to do and that…

Weakening

Phil messaged me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he knows it’s my child-free weekend coming up and he’s hoping I’ll weaken. He sent me a picture and words he found which he thought I’d like; we both know it was an excuse. I’ve been…

Ripple

I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…

Contribute

I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…

Path

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on them? How many times am I going to have loving feelings towards him, and the next thing he’s the last man I want? It started on Saturday. He was due to come over, but I…

Urge

When I left Tom, I started finding my truth. My thoughts recently are the culmination of three years of finding myself, finding my truth, and now starting to live it. Events over the last few days have powered these thoughts further. My friend Viv confided in me that there is a man who is in…

Wednesday

I’m not happy. Driving back from the school run, it suddenly struck me that despite fooling myself for a long time that I am happy with my life, I’m not. My life is empty and meaningless. It’s 9.27am on a Wednesday morning; I’ve done the school run, and I’m back in bed. Why? Because I’m…

Directions

Susie and I had lunch together, and I had a surreal moment of realisation. Firstly, Susie and I have lost the connection we had. Whereas we used to spend hours together most days, and then still ring each other up later to talk more, today we sat for ninety minutes and soon ran out of…

Plodding

I feel like I’m in limbo; maybe I’ve felt that way for the last few years. When I think back over my diary entries, all I see is a mundane life, and that saddens me a little. I have no tales of wild adventures, travelling, or meeting new and interesting people. My life consists of…

Monopolised

Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…

Be

I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together, it feels so good. Being with Phil is the only time I feel grounded; the rest of the time, I feel slightly out of control and very empty. Despite that, I still can’t say that I won’t end things with him…

Try

I succeeded today. The only way to fail is to not try, and to try is to be successful. I took action. The steps were small but significant because they took me one step forward compared to where I was yesterday. I suppose all I can do is take one small step forward at a…

Clone

This is it. This is the point in my life where I either change or I become a clone of my mother. The promise I made to myself as a teenager to never turn out like my mum is happening anyway. The woman who moans and complains constantly that life is terrible, that it’s boring,…

January

I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.

Jump

I’ve put my faith in a feeling that I have that I am right where I should be right now. I’ve spent weeks stressing about going nowhere, but I think that’s going to change soon. I feel strongly that since 2010, I’ve been through a massive period of change in all areas of my life,…

Sunday

Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…

Movement

The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

The time has come for me to start thinking about what’s next in life for me. I’ve done what I wanted to do with my life up to now, but a time of change is upon me. Actually, it has been for the last two years. Today I went to the local college to see…

Ghosts

I’m generally not one of those people who tries to ignore change or keep life exactly as it’s always been. On the whole, I try to embrace change. I realised I’ve been resisting it for months despite the internal niggles to do something. It’s almost two years since we moved into this house and it…

Gift

What better day than Christmas Day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates so much that you can’t ignore it. A day of loving, of giving. Today, to myself. Just like last year, Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve as well as tonight, to spend Christmas with…

Eat

For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book, it touched me. It made me cry, and it aroused long-forgotten feelings in me. This time it’s resonating within me deeply. There are so many things that are comparable to my life throughout the book, even though our physical journeys are…

Unwelcome

Dreaming I am in a fairly big tent; I live there with Tom & the children. It is the morning; I look outside. In the sky, I see a plane. I know that it is going to drop a bomb; I watch it, scared that it will drop over us. Suddenly the bomb drops, falling onto the city just north of us. I am scared that it will drop more, though. I think of all the lives that have been lost under the bomb and feel sad. I go and gather up Annie…

Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…

Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, given that he’s shown me almost nothing but hatred for so long. Yesterday, he invited Abi and her family around for a barbecue. He got the paddling pool out for…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Value

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…

Still

Tom and I rarely have sex anymore, but last night we did for the first time in a very, very long time. It wasn’t what I wanted it to be at all, though. It didn’t connect us; in fact, when we’d finished, he said just about the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me….

How?

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.

Love

I was sitting out in the garden, sanding some furniture earlier when I looked up and caught Tom watching me. When I turned off the sander, he said, “I love you.” I almost cried. This is the first time in so long – years – that he has told me that he loves me. I…

Overwhelming

Something’s going on. I feel different. I’m starting to see things differently and starting to see the truth of what’s really going on, but taking photographs is changing things too. After my self-portrait yesterday, I really felt like doing another one today. It’s very unlike me because I hate having my photograph taken, and I…

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…

Change

Susie called me a bitch, and I have to agree with her. She was talking about how people change, and she said that I’ve changed so much over the last couple of years. She said I’ve gone from being really fun, outgoing, easygoing, funny, not caring what anyone thought in a carefree kind of way,…

Mother

Tom came home from his skiing holiday yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport, but when I saw him, my heart sank. I suddenly realised what a lovely stress-free week the children and I had, and how it would all change. He appeared at the airport entrance sun-burned and saying he was…

Net

Tonight, for the first time in so long, Tom and I had sex. He’s been rejecting my kisses and cuddles for months now. If I try to talk to him about our lack of sex life, he tries to avoid the conversation, or says it’s all I care about. I’ve tried telling him that it’s…

Rollercoaster

Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now worrying that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class. When I got back, I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind, but then Annie woke up….

Back

Last night, Josh went fishing with a couple of friends. This morning, Tom made them sausage sandwiches and a flask of tea to warm them up, as the temperature overnight was about 2 degrees. I took the food to them and used the opportunity to really see how much effort Tom is making lately. Not…

Beg

I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing; I was wrong – he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed; if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.“ Annie…

First

I left Annie with Tom for the first time tonight while I went out for dinner with friends. It was really lovely to have a break, but so difficult to walk out the door. I missed the children and was worried about how he would cope with all four of them, but when I got…