One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…
Tag: Choice
Balanced
2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…
Pros
I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…
Ripple
I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…
Pieces
I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…
Escort
As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.
Mink
Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…
Alone
Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Losing
Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…
Autonomy
I often notice how events in my life tie together, even though they may appear to be very different at first glance. I thought I’d email my friend Esme this morning and see how she is after a recent confession that she ‘knows’ she is going to die. Before emailing her, I did some research…
Self
I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for nineteen months. Since I was fourteen, I’ve only been single for two years and two months in total. That’s twenty-two years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over two years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream…
Along
Dreaming Tom has proposed. We are in a shop looking at bridesmaid dresses for the girls. All around us are men’s suits. I choose some that I dislike, then realise that if Tom likes them, that will be the colour scheme we will have, as Tom always chooses what he wants. The colour is burgundy, which I hate. I realise that I haven’t even told him if I want to marry him, yet we are choosing wedding stuff. I am going along with it as I feel I have…
Valuable
Dreaming A young woman is lying on the carpet on a landing in labour. There are two or three midwives with her. One of the midwives asks me to help out. She asks me to hold the baby while she delivers the baby. (The two acts are going on at the same time, involving the same baby.) She wants me to either hold the baby in my arms or lay it on a white sheet on top of a narrow strip of something. I think this…
Contented
Dreaming Tom and I have had a lovely time together and are very much in love. We’ve decided, as it’s Saturday, to spend the day together. Annie isn’t around, and it seems this is based in the past.We are at Tom’s house. I am getting some stuff for him to come to mine; he has gone to Birchside to drop something off or pick up, possibly at my mum’s house. I feel very happy, content and at peace. I get what…
Everything
At lunchtime, Tom came to see Annie and asked if I had ham and chips. He said he’d have that for lunch. I told him he could at least ask. He got in a bad mood, went to the chip shop instead, then sat with his head in his hands, either crying or tired. I…
Choice
Dreaming I am looking through a pile of catalogues, feeling excited by the choices and the chance to buy what I want now that I can. One of the catalogues is unusual in that it is a book of crossdressers with big hands. Tom is with me as I am looking through them. Responding I’m guessing this is about my identity. About how my new life, when I leave Tom, will give me a chance to…
Forward
We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…
Value
I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…
News
Tom returned from yet another weekend away yesterday – his eighth in the past six months, on top of a seven-day skiing holiday, countless nights out, and his usual three evenings a week at the pub. This weekend’s trip was to a family wedding. Annie and I were invited, but not my other children. When…
Behind
Tom went to visit his family today; he’ll be gone for five days. Other than having my family around tomorrow, I don’t really have anything planned for my Tom-free time – other than lots of counting down the hours until he’s home. I miss him already, but I also wish he hadn’t left me and…
Mission
Dreaming I am in Ashcombe; there is a feeling of a disaster has taken place and a rescue mission happening. A car has crashed through some railings and gone into the water. There is a rocket that is about to take off; my children all get on board, but I am scared that it will crash the same as the car. I don’t want any of us to have to get on, but we don’t seem to have a choice. I climb on…
Yesterday
Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just like to be able to forget ever happened, yet I know it’s going to be one of those days that stays etched in my memory forever.