I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of their children,  since we’ve been apart. I feel so angry with how they’ve both moved on with their lives with little or no regard for how their children are doing, while I’m here holding all the pieces together every single day.

I also thought about how alone I’ve been over the years, and how lonely I’ve always felt. For the last twenty-three years, there have been only eleven years that I haven’t lived on my own, but that’s not really a true representation because some of the time, the person was only there for a part of the year. It’s more like eight years out of twenty-three, or two-thirds of my adult life, that I’ve been on my own, raising my children alone, and supporting them and myself with little or no help.

The other thing I realised was just how scared I am to have a relationship with anyone again. I put my single life down to choice, but really I’m scared.

Phil has, so far, proved himself to be totally different to Danny, Greg and Tom, yet I cannot bring myself to commit to even being in a relationship with him, let alone anything in the future, or anything serious, because I am too scared.

I am scared for many reasons, which can only mean one thing. If I don’t face my fears one day and do it all anyway, I’m going to be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. That’s a very sobering thought. Deep down, I know I could have a wonderful relationship with Phil, but I’m too scared to let go and let it happen in case I’m wrong. In case he treats me poorly, too. In case he stops being supportive and stops loving me.