It’s Halloween… to mark the occasion, I started the day off facing some of my worst fears.
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Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Crumpled
Dreaming Karen gives Annie a birthday present: a blind for her bedroom. I put it up in a room that is nothing like any room in our house; it makes the room quite dark. The blind has two or three parts to it, so I raise the first part to lower the other two parts. As I do so, the one on the right becomes slightly crumpled. Mum suggests opening it up as much as the fabric will allow to un-crumple it….
Tough
Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Food
Dreaming I am in Maxine’s home, but sometimes she is Louise and my nan’s energy. Ivy is in her bedroom. Maxine is cooking food; I sit on her sofa. I see Ivy on the toilet; she hides my view with a bird cage. A cat goes in my bag and takes a bite out of a packet of cheese I have in there; I give it the rest to finish. I leave Maxine’s house without the food that I think she is making for me. I step outside and see a man,…
Unsuitable
Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….
Notes
It’s been two weeks since Maxine died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to my absolute core. I seem to be spending too much time in bed – feeling scared, more than anything else. Maxine was a light that shone so brightly. She lit up the room when she walked…
Self-Conscious
Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…
Runners
Dreaming It is morning; I have just woken. Greg/Tom (Greg is more prominent) is in bed next to me.
Hearing
For the last year of living with Tom, Rosie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and stay there until the next morning, apart from coming down for meals and when Tom was at the pub. She’d stopped being affectionate with me, wore black all the time and just looked so sad…
Unwelcome
Dreaming I am in a fairly big tent; I live there with Tom & the children. It is the morning; I look outside. In the sky, I see a plane. I know that it is going to drop a bomb; I watch it, scared that it will drop over us. Suddenly the bomb drops, falling onto the city just north of us. I am scared that it will drop more, though. I think of all the lives that have been lost under the bomb and feel sad. I go and gather up Annie…
Pointless
I boxed up my spiritual books today and put them in the loft. It seems pointless keeping them out nowadays. My books haven’t been touched since we moved in together, as Tom made me feel stupid for believing in such things. Maybe it’ll be something that I pick up again one day in the distant…