I went for breakfast with Karen and Cheryl today. We chatted about friends and their values, which prompted me to say that I felt I’d changed so much in the last year or so, whereas before I was really accepting, understanding and forgiving, I now am the opposite. If a friend expresses something that I don’t agree with, I now say it to them, and I no longer worry if it means our friendship will end. Before I would never stand up for my beliefs as I was too scared of the consequences, now I just don’t care. I feel that it wouldn’t be that much of a loss if our values are so different anyway.

I was quite surprised and taken aback when Karen suddenly said that she feels as though she’s a better person because of me. She said that since knowing me and spending so much time with me she now thinks about things and does the right thing more often. She explained how she was given too much change the other day; normally she’d have kept it, but instead she instantly thought about me, realised I would have given it straight back without question, and so she did the same.

That was quite odd for me to hear because as she was explaining how I’m positively influencing her life, I was sat there thinking about how much I’m changing, and not necessarily for the better. However, I can see that standing up for my beliefs and being more assertive definitely has its benefits.

I feel quite bewildered by the compliments I’ve had recently. Karen, Cheryl and Viv have each said something really positive about me in the last few days yet I feel quite detached from it. I’d love to feel the weight of their compliments but for some reason I just can’t connect to them fully. I don’t know why that is. Partly there’s a fear of getting too big for my boots if I connect and start to believe them and yet that’s odd because I do know that I am a good person with strong morals and that my behaviour does influence people positively at times. I also know the other side of me that doesn’t always feel and live this way.