I lay awake most of the night feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. Every time I dozed, the nausea woke me. Reminding me of everything. I don’t know if I felt sick at the thought of Phil with Antonia, or the thought of having had contact with Phil again.

This morning I checked my messages hoping to find one from him; there wasn’t one. I checked again a couple of hours later and found one. He’d done what he always used to do and sent me an image of something he liked. I know it’s just a way in. I’m glad he did.

I reminded him that he’d be better off moving on from me and focusing on Antonia, and that he stood a greater chance of receiving from her what he wants than he ever would with me – stability. I also reminded him that talking to me would likely hurt him further, as I would never be able to give myself to him in the way he needs. I told him that Antonia sounds like she is available in a way that I am not. I asked him to walk away, telling him that, to some degree, I do want him in my life, but not enough to fight my demons. I implored him to find happiness with Antonia, and if not her, then someone else who could love him properly.

I realised that I am scared; I’ve always been scared. I realised Phil was my perfect man apart from one thing – the lack of physical attraction.

I am not a risk taker; I never have been. I live a safe, comfortable, solitary existence. I take no leaps in any field. Not work, not career, not relationships, not the kids. I keep everything safe, secure and unchallenging. Boring.

To be with Phil – to be with anyone – I would have to take a risk. To get a job, to start a career, to make changes with the kids – everything in life needs me to take a risk, but I never do. I can’t. I’m too scared.

So instead of telling Phil this and instead of taking a risk with him, again, I’ve decided I’m going to start dating… there’s a small amount of logic to my idea.

I constantly think the grass is greener. I basically want Phil’s personality but wrapped in a different package, so I’m going to put myself out there and see if I can find with someone else what I had with Phil. I want the spiritual and the emotional connection. I want to be able to laugh and cry with ease. I will not be having sex with any of them. I just need to see if there is anyone out there equal to Phil.

I don’t think it’s my greatest plan, but right now I can’t think of anything else. Maybe it will help me move on from him. Maybe it’ll make me realise that Phil is all I ever need in my life, and the risk I’m taking is that it might be too late anyway because he might really make a go of it with Antonia; he may fall in love and decide he wants her more than he’s ever wanted me, and that is the biggest risk I take.