I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it.

I was wondering if it’s inevitable that it turns out that way?

My mum and dad were either arguing constantly or not speaking to each other. They displayed no love or affection for each other, ever, and eventually, they divorced. My Dad would tell jokes to me about my mum, telling me she was frigid, amongst other things. My mum would do nothing but moan about my Dad and always see the worst in him. Neither of them could see the good in each other or in the relationship.

While I love Tom, I’m doing the same.

We’ve got into a rut of arguing or not speaking, although we do have moments when we get on, but lately they’re short-lived. I used to be very affectionate with him, but not anymore, and I know he feels neglected, but then he’s withdrawn too, and so I feel neglected by him. I’m also focusing on every negative thing – just like the counsellor said – and I find it really hard to see the positives unless I’m having a rare good day.

Tom has always blamed my moods for everything that’s wrong, and I’m now more convinced than ever that it’s all my fault that we’ve gone so badly wrong. That it’s my fault that he loses his temper so often.

It’s not Tom who needs to change; it’s me.