Mum

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Struck

At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as…

Barbaric

While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex-girlfriend. He said he doesn’t know what he was ever doing with her – looks-wise. I said that I was surprised he was saying that, given how he’d been so quick to criticise my relationship with Phil based on Tom’s perception…

Spacious

Dreaming Amelia, Rosie, Megan and I are in the kitchen at Church Lane when the door knocks. Amelia goes to answer it but comes back saying she’s not answering it as she doesn’t know who it is. I get up to answer it, and I run, as the people will have been waiting by now….

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I thought she would be sulky, moody and questioning why I hadn’t been over, but she was none of those things; she was just pleased to see us. We stayed a couple of hours, and it…

Butterflies

Tomorrow, we’re going to the Puu Isles for five days. Tom wanted Annie to visit family, but she wouldn’t go without me, so we’re all going. Despite not really wanting to go until now, I now can’t wait. I just want to get away from here, and to get away from my own mind. I’m…

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Judgement

I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and centred ~ a state the relationship anxiety course leader calls ‘when your heart is open instead of closed down through fear.’ I was energised and ready to tackle the housework that’s been building all week – a…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Explore

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Duty

Yesterday, my mum turned up with a bag in her hand and asked if she could stay the night. She’d had an argument with my step-dad, and she didn’t want to be around him. I let her in, and she spent the entire afternoon and evening offloading it all onto me. Once she left today,…

Maybe

I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…

Foundation

I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…

Crumpled

Dreaming Karen gives Annie a birthday present: a blind for her bedroom. I put it up in a room that is nothing like any room in our house; it makes the room quite dark. The blind has two or three parts to it, so I raise the first part to lower the other two parts. As I do so, the one on the right becomes slightly crumpled. Mum suggests opening it up as much as the fabric will allow to un-crumple it….

Clone

This is it. This is the point in my life where I either change or I become a clone of my mother. The promise I made to myself as a teenager to never turn out like my mum is happening anyway. The woman who moans and complains constantly that life is terrible, that it’s boring,…

Mojo

I’ve lost my mojo. I’ve spent the past few days searching everywhere I can think of, but it’s nowhere to be found. I suppose when some of your last blog posts are called Unravelling, Survive, and Alone, it’s inevitable that the next one in the sequence will be about lost mojos. Maybe I need to retrace…

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Meals

I slept really badly – my mind was nagging at me throughout the night. It all seemed to stem from the most innocent of conversations with Phil about the meals he eats; microwave meals most of the time, as he sees no point in cooking just for himself and is too tired to prepare and…

Good

While talking to my Mum, she said she’d realised something in the early hours of this morning. That the three significant relationships I’d had in my life, their combined surname initials spelt out BAD. I wouldn’t say that any of the three had been bad people per se, but each one had been bad for…

Staying

Dreaming Mum has invited Auntie Agnes to stay with her, but she ends up staying at my house instead. It is Friday night, and Agnes is being really nasty to me – shouting and criticising me. I feel hurt, and I don’t understand why. It is Saturday night; the attack on me from Agnes is worse tonight, and I feel scared. Agnes takes my laptop and shouts at me constantly, being really vindictive and horrible. I go upstairs; Dad is asleep in my bed. The bedroom looks like my bedroom but also like Mum and Dad’s old bedroom…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Weight

I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Assumption

Dreaming There is a man in the garage doing some work for us, possibly decorating. As he has helped us, there is an assumption that I will fancy him. I do feel a little attracted to him. Amelia comes over with Zoe and asks me for a new bra in time for school in the morning. I tell her it’s too late as it’s a Sunday late afternoon and all the shops are shut. She says she keeps getting goosebumps where her boobs have grown and no longer fit in her bra….

Self-Conscious

Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…

Contented

Dreaming Tom and I have had a lovely time together and are very much in love. We’ve decided, as it’s Saturday, to spend the day together. Annie isn’t around, and it seems this is based in the past.We are at Tom’s house. I am getting some stuff for him to come to mine; he has gone to Birchside to drop something off or pick up, possibly at my mum’s house. I feel very happy, content and at peace. I get what…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Mum

I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different after than before her visit. Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day playing with Annie, pottering around doing housework, writing my journal – just all lovely and chilled. Mum and John came…

Oppression

Dreaming I am in the dining area of the kitchen of the house at Church Lane. Dad is sitting at the dining table, and Mum is in the kitchen area. The room is unbearably hot, with steam swarming around the room making it difficult to see clearly. I can see enough to see that the house hasn’t changed at all over the last twenty years. Unable to stand the heat any longer, I open the window, releasing a torrent of steam. I watch relief wash over Mum, and then…

Instinct

Dreaming I’m in bed when instinct tells me to get up and go downstairs. As I go down, I see two men leave through my front door; they are burglars. I’m not sure if they’ve taken anything or not, as I disturbed them. I go to the front door and shout out to them to…

Inappropriate

I feel very tired today; I slept very badly last night. I had a conversation with Tom; I forgot what it was about now, but it was heated. I remembered the mindfulness that my psychotherapist spoke about; I reacted differently. My mum came around unexpectedly. I had feelings that I can’t put into words. Mum…

2019

In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.

Severed

Dreaming I am at the register office in Linton. I am there to collect some papers/document. The cost is £68. The person at the desk isn’t sure this is right but tells me they will be ready later that afternoon. I look at the paper in my hand; it actually says £12. I tell the…

Ages

Dreaming I am in a bathroom going to the toilet (excrement) with my Mum and John in there with me. I feel self-conscious and a little embarrassed, but I go anyway. When it comes to cleaning myself, I don’t want to do it in front of them, but I am aware they must think I’m…

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…

Wisdom

Dreaming I am in the living room. I pull up an area of the carpet to reveal a beautiful wooden floor. I say to Tom that we should pull it all up, as we now have the floor we want. As I look closer, I can see there are actually more layers of carpet to…

Moving

Dreaming Izzy and Samuel are around; I am meeting Samuel for the first time. He is lying on my sofa in the corner of the living room in the house at Church Lane. Outside the door to the room are two members of his family – a man and a woman. I introduce myself to…

Brother

Dreaming There is a party for someone in the family. It is taking place in a club/pub but also at my mum’s house. She is throwing a party, but I don’t think anyone will turn up at hers; I think they’ll all stay at the club. I am at mum’s; it’s time for the guests…

Cinderella

Dreaming I am living with my mum and dad. I am angry because I do all of the childcare and housework. My children are their children. Mum and Dad sit around doing nothing while I do everything. The door knocks; a man is there, a salesman. I ignore it and get Dad to answer it….

Liberty

Dreaming I am in America. From a distance, I can see the Statue of Liberty, but there are two of them – one male and one female. I say to my mum that I want to go there one day. I am at the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. There are restrictions as to…

Appointment

Dreaming I have a hospital appointment at 1 pm and have to walk down a long street to get to it; there are traffic lights and grass along the way. I get to a building and stop at a window. I tell a woman that I have an appointment with Dr Bartholomew. She tells me…

Intervention

Dreaming I am in my living room sitting on the sofa in the far corner. Tom is sitting on the floor directly opposite me. Andy is sitting diagonally to me, and Mum and Dad are on the sofas too. Abi comes into the room, crawls across the floor, sprawls out provocatively and flirts madly with…

Miracle

Dreaming I am in a room that is at the top of a building. I am aware of at least one floor below me. In the room with me are many people, but I’m not sure if I know any of them. Despite that, we all talk to each other, and we are all friends,…