Dreaming Tom is leaving to go and live in Cornwall. We have to drive down with him in his car; it will take five hours. Just as we’re about to leave, I see my cousin Erin. I’m supposed to be going around her house tonight but realise I won’t be back in time. She is…
Tag: Dad
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I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…
2014
It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…
Balanced
2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…
Pros
I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. It seems that I have four men interested in me. This didn’t happen in my teens, my twenties or my thirties, but it appears it’s happening now unless I’m reading all the signs wrong. Tom seems to be really affectionate and nice to me…
Give
I’ve been doing it all wrong – this giving-stuff-away thing. I thought that if I gave, I would then receive, and actually there has been truth in that, but tonight I read something that made me feel embarrassed about my way of thinking. Instead of giving to receive, I could be receiving to give. In…
Sorry
This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…
Monopolised
Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…
Maybe
I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…
Foundation
I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…
Predicament
Dreaming I am driving along a seafront. The sea on my left is really high and has come in all over the road. I drive through the water; it splashes right over an old lady and a man on my right. I see her wiping water away from her mouth. I realise I was driving through too fast, and I slow down. Although I feel a bit bad for soaking them, I’m also laughing at what I’ve done. I have £30 to my name, and it is the day of two…
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Movement
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.
Losing
Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…
Thirty-Six
Dreaming I am on a street with Dad, about to go and view a house. I am looking at a house on one side of the road which looks really nice; it is number thirty-seven, but I’m not sure it’s the right one. I look for number thirty-eight as I’ve forgotten which one we’re seeing. Dad then says he can see which one; it’s over the other side of the road and is number thirty-six. The house is grotty. It is boarded up and run down, whereas the one over the…
Ours
I’ve spent the last week or so looking at houses, but it’s not been the easiest job.
Unsuitable
Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….
Staying
Dreaming Mum has invited Auntie Agnes to stay with her, but she ends up staying at my house instead. It is Friday night, and Agnes is being really nasty to me – shouting and criticising me. I feel hurt, and I don’t understand why. It is Saturday night; the attack on me from Agnes is worse tonight, and I feel scared. Agnes takes my laptop and shouts at me constantly, being really vindictive and horrible. I go upstairs; Dad is asleep in my bed. The bedroom looks like my bedroom but also like Mum and Dad’s old bedroom…
Missed
Dreaming I am sitting at a table with my family and friends. My aunt Mary is there, my cousins – although they don’t look like my cousins – apart from Ashley, who has a baby in her arms and is pregnant, which I didn’t know about; my friends Melissa and Rebecca. My family are all next to me to my right; Melissa in front on the next table with her back to me, and Rebecca on the table in front and to my left. Melissa turns around, and I…
Built
Dreaming My Dad has built a house and is living in it. It has clean lines and a lot of cream and beige. The kids and I are moving in with him. I work out that Dad can have most of the rooms downstairs, and we can go upstairs. Dad has an office and a meditation room, as well as a bedroom. I am telling someone about the house, and I take the credit for Dad’s rooms even though it was actually him who did them. I am standing…
Tangled
A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….
List
I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…
Money
Dreaming My Dad has died and left me nothing. I am at his house searching for his money. I know he has left it somewhere. I search everywhere, but I can’t find it. I remember the secret part of the house that no one but me knows about. I am certain he would have put it there. It is at the back of the house and through a door that nobody else goes into. I have been in this secret part before in another dream;…
Mum
I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different after than before her visit. Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day playing with Annie, pottering around doing housework, writing my journal – just all lovely and chilled. Mum and John came…
Oppression
Dreaming I am in the dining area of the kitchen of the house at Church Lane. Dad is sitting at the dining table, and Mum is in the kitchen area. The room is unbearably hot, with steam swarming around the room making it difficult to see clearly. I can see enough to see that the house hasn’t changed at all over the last twenty years. Unable to stand the heat any longer, I open the window, releasing a torrent of steam. I watch relief wash over Mum, and then…
Question
The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…
Value
I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…
Testing
Dreaming
2019
In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.
Passed
Recently, I’ve been feeling that life has passed me by and it’s really starting to get me down. In the last couple of years, I’ve gone from being someone who lived life to the full with parties, pubs, clubs and singing lessons. I’ve gone from going out dancing, to karaoke, camping weekends with Susie and…
Inevitable
I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…
Stoop
Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…
Always
My Dad rang this morning to tell me that my aunt has died unexpectedly. I got off the phone and, through tears, told Tom what had happened, but I had interrupted him while he was listening to records. He started shouting at me for annoying him, and said it’s always my fault that he’s annoyed….
Waiting
For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…