I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different after than before her visit.

Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day playing with Annie, pottering around doing housework, writing my journal – just all lovely and chilled. Mum and John came around for a short while, but within half an hour of them leaving I felt irritable, stressed, tired and unhappy. When they got here, I was sitting on the small sofa; Mum and John sat on the larger one. After a while Mum moved to the small sofa next to me; I felt really uncomfortable and noticed I’d folded my arms and adopted a really closed-off position.

I worry that she may hug me, which I know is unlikely, yet still it concerns me. It would be too weird. I’m going back and forth in my mind about who was the problem in my childhood. Who caused me to attract what I have in my life, to be the way I am? My instinct says Mum, but I can’t deny that Dad played his part; Mum’s presence was stronger, more influential, but I’m wondering if it goes much deeper than this. I’m wondering if I need to give more thought to my relationship with Mum. I don’t remember a time when the connection between us hasn’t felt awkward, at least from my point of view, and I definitely think it’s worth thinking about.