Happy

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk; we asked Tom if he wanted to join us. I really wanted him to say yes and was so happy when he did. I picked him up, and we made our way to the woods, but Tom felt cold and a little distant. He criticised…

Explore

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…

Blurted

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. When Annie left the room, Tom blurted out that he’d been on a date last weekend. He went on to tell me about the date; I started to feel sick to my stomach. I always knew this day would come, and even though I…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

2014

It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Decade

It’s my fortieth birthday soon, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this year. I started the year not really looking forward to it and berating myself for not being the weight I promised myself I would be by the time I turned forty. I had some fears come up about life passing me…

Healing

When Tom came over to see the kids tonight, we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking about nothing much, but it somehow led to a discussion about saying sorry for things you’ve done and how it’s a sign of emotional maturity. I went on to say that sometimes we need to…

Receive

It turns out that letting go – when you make up your mind to do it and then just get on with it – is easier than first anticipated. Today I got rid of a load of stuff. I had people knocking at the door throughout the day to pick stuff up, and it actually…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Hug

On Friday night, I dropped and broke my phone. When I dropped Annie at Tom’s last night, he handed me a present, saying it was an early birthday present. He’d got me a new phone. After handing it to me, he went to walk off into the other room, but I called him back to…

Sense

Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…

Perfect

I’ve had a really productive and positive day. I was asleep by 10 pm last night, and I think it’s made a big difference to my energy levels and my mood. I feel relaxed and calm. Not only is it the extra sleep, but it’s the weather. I’m always more productive in autumn and winter….

Future

I’m still having some doubts about whether I feel enough for Phil or not. Really, these fears started last week when I spoke to Karen about a forthcoming appointment we have with a psychic who is reputed to be amazing. I’ve since Googled her and found many reports claiming the same. My fear at the…

Bolt-On

I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…

Blip

I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…

Escort

As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.

Relationship

Unthinkable

It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…

Foundation

I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…

Surface

I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…

Going

I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning. I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I…

Relaunch

After months of not knowing what to do, yesterday I decided to just do something. Anything. I debated getting a job in a shop, but then thought, why don’t I just restart my photography business? At least that way, I’d hopefully be getting some work, but still be able to be home for the children,…

Greener

I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to feel everything that he is and all that he offers me. I’ll admit I was having a really bad week, but these last few days are better. I’m not having a bad time at all, but…

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

Silence

After six days of silence, I still haven’t heard from Theo, and I feel a bit annoyed. I feel used. But wouldn’t it be true to say that maybe I used him just as much, especially as I don’t want more from him. However, meeting him has made me realise that I will not settle…

Parts

I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though…

Coaching

After a year of deliberation and just not really knowing what I should do with my life or even what I want to do, I’m so glad that I’ve finally decided to train as a life coach. I want a career that enables me to: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks looking into courses….

Kind

I took a moment today to completely focus on Phil’s many positive attributes with no thoughts of the things that are marring our relationship, at least for me. I’m nowhere near the stage of moving in together or marriage, but I do want to continue a relationship with him, and I do want to focus…

Stagnant

The last three days have been horrible. I told Tom about Phil; he had to know sooner or later. I decided that I needed to make much more of an effort with Phil, stop focusing on what I don’t find easy to love, and focus fully on what I do, and so part of putting…

Source

Dreaming I am at the house of a woman; I may be moving to her house. She appears to be well dressed, well spoken, not posh but has an air about her. Her house has the feeling of a lot of white and gold, although I don’t actually ‘see’ the colours. While talking to her, I realise that I am parked in the car park and haven’t bought a ticket. I go outside, and a man tells me not to bother as it’s almost the time when…

Presence

Dreaming I am a pupil at school. Even though I am an adult, I am hoping that I won’t feel overwhelmed like I did when I was at school as a child. I am outside; it is break time. There is a male teacher with grey hair whom I feel a great attraction to. It’s not sexual; it is a deep spiritual love, although my need to physically be with him is vast. I am at his side constantly, there to help him if he wants it….

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Surrounded

I started tracing my family tree two years ago. At a time when my world felt like it was falling apart, it saved me in some way. It gave me something to focus on each night instead of thinking about how lonely I felt. I’d spend hour upon hour replacing the emptiness in my soul…

Self-Conscious

Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…

Contented

Dreaming Tom and I have had a lovely time together and are very much in love. We’ve decided, as it’s Saturday, to spend the day together. Annie isn’t around, and it seems this is based in the past.We are at Tom’s house. I am getting some stuff for him to come to mine; he has gone to Birchside to drop something off or pick up, possibly at my mum’s house. I feel very happy, content and at peace. I get what…

Simple

The simple things bring me the greatest pleasures these days. Waking to snow, donning our warmest clothes – hats, scarves, wellies and jumpers – and heading out into six inches of crisp, crunchy white snow. Having a snowball fight with the children, losing. Building a snowman, walking to the shops for goodies. Dragging the Christmas…

Happy

My sister took some photographs of me. When I looked back at them, I was really pleased with what I saw. A smile, sparkly eyes and a general aura of happiness. I’m starting to feel happier than I have in a very long time, and it’s really starting to show. It’s a vast improvement on…

Right

It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the right decision, and we’re all much happier. Tom has surprised me and gone back to who he used to be. He’s proving to be a good dad to Annie and to my other children, and…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Mum

I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different after than before her visit. Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day playing with Annie, pottering around doing housework, writing my journal – just all lovely and chilled. Mum and John came…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

Distracted

Dreaming I am in a house. It either is or will be my new home. It is down Castle Street, and as I look out of the window, I see that Izzy lives opposite. This concerns me as I realise Ricky will be knocking on the door constantly. I look around the house; it is very much like Ian’s house but much bigger. The house is fairly messy; I want to tidy and have a lovely house ready to live in….

2019

In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.

Awkward

Dreaming I am with Tom. He takes my hand in his; his hand is so warm and comfortable, and I’ve missed it. I feel complete love for him, and he for me. I never want to let go. We kiss – long, lingering kisses. I notice Amelia watching us through the crack in the door;…

Revert

Tom has really thrown me yet again. He rarely joins in with anything the children and I do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time he did something with us, but today when I told him the girls had been invited to a Halloween party at Susie’s, he said he wanted to come. Not…

Love

I was sitting out in the garden, sanding some furniture earlier when I looked up and caught Tom watching me. When I turned off the sander, he said, “I love you.” I almost cried. This is the first time in so long – years – that he has told me that he loves me. I…

Shower

I’m moving out sometime in the new year, but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay in this area for the girls’ school. We both agree it’s inevitable, so why prolong it? We’ve agreed that for now we’re still a couple, but we’ll be living separately; whether we’ll continue as a…

Buried

Dreaming I am in the living room with Amelia and Rosie. I ask them to watch Annie while I go to the toilet. I go into the bathroom, sit on the toilet and have a poo. When I’m finished, I flush the toilet. Although it flushes, afterwards, the water laps over the top of the…

Blue

I’ve been interested in photography since I was ten years old. Over the last year, rather than just snapping away with the camera, I’ve been trying to do more with it. When things with Tom are really bad, it’s something to escape to. I can grab the children, go to the park with my camera…

Stoop

Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…

Win

I recently heard about a deal with some online bingo sites. I don’t play bingo, nor do I gamble – even if I wanted to, I don’t have the money. Several bingo websites had a deal to deposit £10 and get an extra £20 free play. You could only do it once per site, but…

Precious

The girls had an inset day at school, and Josh had no college, so as the weather was unseasonably warm and sunny, we drove to the beach. We spent a couple of hours making sandcastles, paddling, stone-throwing, playing at being sand angels, being buried in the sand, racing along the beach, and getting wet and…

Secret

It’ll be Tom’s birthday in a couple of months. I’ve decided to throw him a surprise party to celebrate. It’s also to show him how much he means to me, in the hope that he will want our relationship to work, and will love me back in return. Loads of his friends and family – some…