A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….
Tag: Happy
Surrounded
I started tracing my family tree two years ago. At a time when my world felt like it was falling apart, it saved me in some way. It gave me something to focus on each night instead of thinking about how lonely I felt. I’d spend hour upon hour replacing the emptiness in my soul…
Self-Conscious
Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…
Contented
Dreaming Tom and I have had a lovely time together and are very much in love. We’ve decided, as it’s Saturday, to spend the day together. Annie isn’t around, and it seems this is based in the past.We are at Tom’s house. I am getting some stuff for him to come to mine; he has gone to Birchside to drop something off or pick up, possibly at my mum’s house. I feel very happy, content and at peace. I get what…
Simple
The simple things bring me the greatest pleasures these days. Waking to snow, donning our warmest clothes – hats, scarves, wellies and jumpers – and heading out into six inches of crisp, crunchy white snow. Having a snowball fight with the children, losing. Building a snowman, walking to the shops for goodies. Dragging the Christmas…
Life
I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…
Mum
I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different after than before her visit. Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day playing with Annie, pottering around doing housework, writing my journal – just all lovely and chilled. Mum and John came…
Forward
We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…
Investment
I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…
Distracted
Dreaming I am in a house. It either is or will be my new home. It is down Castle Street, and as I look out of the window, I see that Izzy lives opposite. This concerns me as I realise Ricky will be knocking on the door constantly. I look around the house; it is very much like Ian’s house but much bigger. The house is fairly messy; I want to tidy and have a lovely house ready to live in….
2019
In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.
Shower
I’m moving out sometime in the new year, but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay in this area for the girls’ school. We both agree it’s inevitable, so why prolong it? We’ve agreed that for now we’re still a couple, but we’ll be living separately; whether we’ll continue as a…
Blue
I’ve been interested in photography since I was ten years old. Over the last year, rather than just snapping away with the camera, I’ve been trying to do more with it. When things with Tom are really bad, it’s something to escape to. I can grab the children, go to the park with my camera…
Stoop
Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…
Precious
The girls had an inset day at school, and Josh had no college, so as the weather was unseasonably warm and sunny, we drove to the beach. We spent a couple of hours making sandcastles, paddling, stone-throwing, playing at being sand angels, being buried in the sand, racing along the beach, and getting wet and…