I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and numb. I was irritable, but I kept it under control.

Today I woke, and although I still don’t have that overwhelming love feeling, I felt comfortable and relaxed, and maybe all I need to do is stop worrying about not adoring him and accept that it’s okay to feel as though I love him less than I think I should.

We talked a lot today, but I found myself becoming bored and restless. Not because of him or anything we were talking about, but because we’ve spent four days together doing nothing but talk and have sex, and I need to do something else. It wasn’t even that I needed to be on my own or away from him; I just needed to be in my home, with the kids, doing my own thing, and I’m accepting that’s okay too. It’s normal for me.

Phil spoke of his fears about Tom, and how he’s concerned that he’ll be nothing more than the bolt-on in the family and that Tom’s position is already so well established that Phil won’t have a place. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want Phil to feel that way now, or after we move in together, but Tom is a part of our lives, and I’m assuming he will remain so. It’s such a juggling act to ensure that everyone is happy. I know most people wouldn’t worry about their ex’s feelings in such a situation, but I’m not most people, and I do care that Tom may feel pushed out; equally so, I care that Phil is having these fears, too.

Tomorrow I’m going to start the big job of getting the house ready for Phil moving in. I have a load of stuff to sell or get rid of, and I have a loft to empty and sort out so that we can turn that space into a bit of a playroom/boys’ den for Phil and Josh, and probably the girls too. Soon, Phil will move in, and I have much to do to prepare for that, in more ways than one.