Home

Repercussions

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…

Hug

On Friday night, I dropped and broke my phone. When I dropped Annie at Tom’s last night, he handed me a present, saying it was an early birthday present. He’d got me a new phone. After handing it to me, he went to walk off into the other room, but I called him back to…

Contribute

I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…

Clutter

I spent the day organising a load of clutter to put on eBay. I’m hoping to start building up enough funds to pay for some new furniture for the lounge and kitchen. Doing so made me realise this is not something I want to share with Phil. I don’t want him having an input in…

Perfect

I’ve had a really productive and positive day. I was asleep by 10 pm last night, and I think it’s made a big difference to my energy levels and my mood. I feel relaxed and calm. Not only is it the extra sleep, but it’s the weather. I’m always more productive in autumn and winter….

Bolt-On

I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…

Plodding

I feel like I’m in limbo; maybe I’ve felt that way for the last few years. When I think back over my diary entries, all I see is a mundane life, and that saddens me a little. I have no tales of wild adventures, travelling, or meeting new and interesting people. My life consists of…

Mink

Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…

Tough

Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…

Clone

This is it. This is the point in my life where I either change or I become a clone of my mother. The promise I made to myself as a teenager to never turn out like my mum is happening anyway. The woman who moans and complains constantly that life is terrible, that it’s boring,…

Push

On Friday, I finally got our new home into a nice condition to live in. The builders all left a few days ago; the new carpets were put down today, and I cleaned and tidied it all, so it was spotless. To my surprise, I found myself wanting to invite Phil round to show him…

Refuge

We decided to take my Dad up on his offer to rent the house. It ended up being really short notice; I had just eight days to pack everything. In that time, Annie caught a virus that wiped her out for five of those days and involved two trips to see the doctor. She had…

Enough

I’ve forgotten how strong I am. I’ve spent far too long thinking I’m weak, that I can’t do things, and I realised that’s just not me; it’s not who I am. I am, and always have been, a very strong character, and it’s time I not only remembered it, but celebrated it too. It’s my…

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Coaching

After a year of deliberation and just not really knowing what I should do with my life or even what I want to do, I’m so glad that I’ve finally decided to train as a life coach. I want a career that enables me to: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks looking into courses….

Foolhardy

I recently mentioned to Phil that I might start looking around for a new house to move to. The children and I have been in our home for a couple of years, but it was only ever supposed to be a stopgap. Yesterday, Phil asked me for the postcode for the area I want to…

Ghosts

I’m generally not one of those people who tries to ignore change or keep life exactly as it’s always been. On the whole, I try to embrace change. I realised I’ve been resisting it for months despite the internal niggles to do something. It’s almost two years since we moved into this house and it…

Presence

Dreaming I am a pupil at school. Even though I am an adult, I am hoping that I won’t feel overwhelmed like I did when I was at school as a child. I am outside; it is break time. There is a male teacher with grey hair whom I feel a great attraction to. It’s not sexual; it is a deep spiritual love, although my need to physically be with him is vast. I am at his side constantly, there to help him if he wants it….

Tread

Dreaming There are many people in my home, including lots of children staying over in my bed. I am looking after them all. Josh has a friend over; I want my space back, although I enjoy having them there. Sandra is there; I know this as Sandra from thirty years ago, younger looking and with her old hairstyle. She can’t find one of her socks, so she puts on one of Ralph’s, even though it is very precious to him and he won’t want her…

Self-Conscious

Dreaming I’m at home; Josh comes home feeling happy. Tom goes up to his bedroom; I can hear him shouting at Josh. I go to Josh, and Tom leaves; Josh is hurt and upset. I ask Josh what it was about; he said he was at Danny’s, needed a poo, chose the toilet that had no door and was open for all to see, and that a woman had come along and seen him. She had reported back to everyone else, and Josh thought it was funny. I’m at a hospital in the waiting room with Susie,…

Intruder

Dreaming I am walking down a street towards home; it is nighttime and dark. As I approach my house (an unfamiliar house), I see three men by the wall overlooking the front garden. They are drunk and are urinating over the wall onto my grass. I don’t want them to notice me, so I slip down an alley at the side of the house. As I reach the back garden, I can see my French doors wide open. I realise I have been broken into…

Everything

At lunchtime, Tom came to see Annie and asked if I had ham and chips. He said he’d have that for lunch. I told him he could at least ask. He got in a bad mood, went to the chip shop instead, then sat with his head in his hands, either crying or tired. I…

Powerless

Tom came to my home today. He ate lunch at my house, sat on my sofa, and watched my TV. He wanted to know how much money Josh was paying me. He wasn’t happy with the amount. He told me to tell Josh he has to pay more. I told him it was none of…

Distracted

Dreaming I am in a house. It either is or will be my new home. It is down Castle Street, and as I look out of the window, I see that Izzy lives opposite. This concerns me as I realise Ricky will be knocking on the door constantly. I look around the house; it is very much like Ian’s house but much bigger. The house is fairly messy; I want to tidy and have a lovely house ready to live in….

Submerged

Dreaming I am driving my car in the car park in Seabourne to get to the beach. It is a hot and sunny summer’s day around lunchtime, and I thought the car park would be packed, but in fact, it’s fairly empty. There are loads of spaces for me to park at the far end…

Sanctuary

I have no place in this house that I can retreat to for some peace and quiet, some ‘me’ time. I used to meditate, but I can’t anymore as there is nowhere for me, but I really miss it. Nor do I have anywhere to read without interruption. I was thinking that I should try…

Weapon

Dreaming I am in Linton town centre and hear that Julie is dead; she has been stabbed with a knife and died. I have to tell the girls; Rosie is unfazed, but Amelia is quite upset by it. At home, I notice the rubbish – which looks quite like my camping gear and red holdall…

Hand

A couple of days ago, Tom and I walked into town for a look around the shops with Annie. We stopped for lunch and popped into the park on the way back. Tom even held my hand as we walked along. It was a gorgeous day – in many ways – not least because we…

Hatch

Dreaming I am in my house; the loft hatch is open. There is a woman there that I am scared of. It seems that the loft hatch being open has made this woman a horrible person, something to fear. I go about getting all of the dirty laundry up into the loft and shutting the…

Rash

When we moved in together, Tom refused to let me bring any of my furniture to our new home. He said it was all ‘cheap shit‘. It wasn’t. He said we’d get new furniture even though it would cost us money he said we didn’t have. Weeks later, we still have no dining table, so…

Supplies

“I’m heading to the solicitors to finalise the house and pick up the keys. Tonight, we’ll go and clean the house, ready to move in tomorrow. Meet me there at 7pm.” I was held up sorting my children out and getting cleaning supplies. “You’re late. Here’s a key. I’m going to leave you to it…

Offer

I found a house that I love. It’s spacious and cosy, but most importantly, it felt like it could be our home. I could really imagine us all living there together. I told Tom. “NO! Why would you think this is the right house? It needs too much work. For fuck’s sake. Do I have…

Viewings

“It’s about time we took this to the next stage after three years together. Why don’t you start looking at homes and find one for me to buy? Find a nice area, somewhere in between where we both currently live. Make sure it’s got everything we need.” I asked if he was going to look…