Sex

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Diary

Phil came over this afternoon. I had horrendous period pain and a headache, which I told him about before he arrived. I told him I’d be monging on the sofa in my pyjamas and asked if he was okay with that. He said he’d bring his PJs and mong too. Josh answered the door and…

Spacious

Dreaming Amelia, Rosie, Megan and I are in the kitchen at Church Lane when the door knocks. Amelia goes to answer it but comes back saying she’s not answering it as she doesn’t know who it is. I get up to answer it, and I run, as the people will have been waiting by now….

Purging

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Wings

Amelia talked to me about how hard it is to see Fin, as they don’t get much time together because someone’s always around. After listening to her, I decided to take on board something Phil had said to me yesterday. He’d said that I have to allow the kids to step away from me a…

Tormented

I went to Phil’s last night to talk things over. I had a long list of questions in my head that I needed answered, some that I knew would actually hurt me, but I felt I needed to know rather than not know and be tormented by them. I’ve become such a strong believer in…

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Reminiscing

I couldn’t settle last night. I was restless because Phil had texted me in the afternoon and was being sexually suggestive. The messages stopped abruptly at 6 pm, mid-conversation, which means he chose to spend the night with Antonia. Strangely, I don’t feel jealous at all; I just feel very uneasy with it all. All…

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Rediscover

I’m really starting to feel such a great bond with Cheryl. Although she’s fourteen years younger than me, we have so much in common; mostly we share the same sense of humour, and we never run out of things to talk about. She’s exactly the type of person I want in my life; I love…

Bruised

Wheel

One of my fondest childhood memories is from when I was about six or seven. I was in Mrs Peters’ class at school; a teacher who was warm, fun, exciting, loving – everything Mum lacked at that time. I loved Mrs Peters with a passion. I loved her wild, wavy red hair, and most of…

Self-contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person, but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time when this would have really upset me; I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be selfless, but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Path

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on them? How many times am I going to have loving feelings towards him, and the next thing he’s the last man I want? It started on Saturday. He was due to come over, but I…

Bolt-On

I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…

Support

I went to Phil’s today for sex, but I realised, while I was there, that it’s not actually the sex I want. It’s the support he gives me that I crave so much. Phil is the only person in my life who listens to me, accepts me as I am completely, and gives me the…

Company

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that I don’t. Having spent a bit more time than usual with him this week, with the kids being home, I can see that he’s exactly the man he was, the man I left. He’s still…

Escort

As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.

Impulsive

I spent some time chatting to the builder Dave, who did some work on the house when we moved in. We’ve become friendly over the months. Today, he was filling me in on his confusing love life. He’s ended things with his girlfriend as she lived too far away, and he was doing all the…

Hesitantly

Dreaming I am sitting at the kitchen table; Tom leans over me and says, “There’s been a lack of kisses around here lately.” He then leans in and kisses my lips. I’m concerned about the kids seeing, but I hesitantly kiss him back. After a couple of kisses, it becomes slightly more urgent, and Tom asks if I’m still on my period. He wants sex, but I don’t know where we would do it with the kids around. I want to, though.

Out

Last night, I went out with my friend Sam, and it did me so much good. Although I’m suffering slightly today, mainly from tiredness, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I love our nights out together, although they haven’t happened for such a long time. Most of all, I’m feeling something that I…

Tradition

Dreaming

Compartment

Dreaming

Envelope

Scream

I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…

Silence

After six days of silence, I still haven’t heard from Theo, and I feel a bit annoyed. I feel used. But wouldn’t it be true to say that maybe I used him just as much, especially as I don’t want more from him. However, meeting him has made me realise that I will not settle…

Flirting

I went on a date with Theo last night.

Parts

I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though…

Movement

The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.

Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…

Needs

I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.

Held

I met up with Phil last night, totally spontaneously. I was at home and child-free. I was drinking wine when I decided to get a taxi and go see him.

Needy

At my counselling session today, I told Jane that I think I’m too needy. Jane asked me to tell her what being needy means for me. Needy means I am lacking in love. I need and like a lot of physical affection. I love being hugged and kissed. I love having sex; I love the…

Dirty

Craig got back in touch with me again a few nights ago, and the talk turned to sex. We both decided to take the bull by the horns and just do it. Not very romantic, I know, but it was never likely to be. Tonight we spent the night together. Craig booked a hotel rather…

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…

Early

Two days ago I took Tom out for lunch. For the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I spoke openly and honestly to him. I could see what he was thinking: that within a few days I would take it all back and not mean any of it. We talked a lot…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Runners

Dreaming It is morning; I have just woken. Greg/Tom (Greg is more prominent) is in bed next to me.

Almost

I met up with Craig for lunch again today, except lunch was at my house and there was no food prepared, or likely to be. After a couple of minutes of slight awkwardness, Craig came towards me and kissed me. Years of frustration, on my part, took hold, and I almost attacked the poor man….

Sexual

Craig’s refusal to jump into bed with me knocked me, but I’m glad he did. It made me realise just how insecure I am still – about my body, about myself as a person, but mostly about myself as a sexual woman. It’s been so long since I’ve been sexual or even seen myself as…

Proposal

I broached the subject of sex with Craig. The combination of his flirting and taking those photos a few days ago has really got me thinking. I’ve been deprived of a sexual, intimate relationship for so long, and it’s always been something really important to me, so now that I’m single, why deprive myself any…

Lean

I went on a second date with Craig today. It was a little different to our first; Craig ramped up the flirting. As we waited for our food, he leaned in as close as he could, held one side of my face with his hand, bringing my ear closer to his mouth, and whispered, “I…

Naked

Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time, and I really feel that for the first time in such a long time, it’s safe for me to really be myself. We talk about almost everything, and I never feel that I have to hold back with him. The only thing…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

Shudder

Dreaming I am on the upstairs landing of a house that is mine but not recognisable to me. There are lots of things around me, and if I look up, there is an open-plan loft with loads more stuff. I am in the process of sorting it all out, getting rid of stuff I don’t…

Testing

Dreaming

Still

Tom and I rarely have sex anymore, but last night we did for the first time in a very, very long time. It wasn’t what I wanted it to be at all, though. It didn’t connect us; in fact, when we’d finished, he said just about the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me….

Heavier

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat, or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when…

Because

Tom told me today that he’s in debt and it’s all because of me. He said I pushed him into buying a house and moving in together, even though it was actually all his idea. He said that I use him and all I’m interested in is his money and sex, which I find really…

Rejection

Tom used to stay downstairs watching TV until midnight, but these days, if he’s not at the pub, he goes up to bed by nine o’clock to watch it there. I can’t bring myself to get into bed that early – Josh doesn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm, and if I went…

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Steps

Tom’s many trips away and the endless nights at the pub have been really affecting me, so when I saw a 6-man tent in perfect condition for sale for £25, I snapped it up. I planned a weekend away for us all. He refused to come with us. The children and I came back from…

Cinema

Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…

Net

Tonight, for the first time in so long, Tom and I had sex. He’s been rejecting my kisses and cuddles for months now. If I try to talk to him about our lack of sex life, he tries to avoid the conversation, or says it’s all I care about. I’ve tried telling him that it’s…

Poem

Dreaming I am up high above the ground, either flying in some way or being shown the view below. (It reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter where Harry flies around on a broomstick during a game of Quidditch.) I can see all around the coast and recognise a cove I’ve always wanted to visit. I remember that recently, someone got hurt jumping from there; I can see why, it’s not tall enough to jump from. I’m in some…

Nit

Dreaming I am looking in the mirror; my skin is really clear. I have sunglasses on and push them onto my head, over my hair. Greg comes in with a man from work and puts some cards on the side; one is addressed to me and says ‘Open Monday’. It has silly love poems on…

Guard

Dreaming It is a Saturday morning, and I am driving to Elmsford. Greg, Amelia and Rosie are with me. The car doesn’t feel like it is working properly; it is bumpy, but I ignore it. I am driving fast, and I find myself falling out of the window. I struggle to get back in and…

Gang

Dreaming I have been to the theatre with Tom. We go back to his house, which is a bungalow. It has a large grass area out the front of the house and a block of flats behind it. There is a gang war going on as we approach; we ignore it and go in. Tom…

Bones

Dreaming I am driving along Northbridge Road by the bakery, but I am going too fast. Ice appears on the road, so I slow down and turn the wheel. I am skidding, but I manage to control it. The car ends up against the pavement but facing the wrong way. I feel calm throughout. A…

Blocked

Dreaming